UK NewsDesk

The Joey Deacon festival 2008 sells out in record time!

2008-05-11T09:43:00.002Z

News for our youth - it's been done before!

Deak Fest ’08 has sold out in record time. Tickets for the 28th annual music festival centred on former stephacockaliticus sufferer Joseph ‘Joey’ Deacon went on sale at 9.00am this morning. By 11.31am all 112,000 tickets had been sold.

Joey Deacon started The Deacon Festival of Song and Dance following his dramatic rise in the public conscience in the summer of 1979.

Numerous appearances on the BBC’s flagship ‘adult orientated’ Drugs and Sex expose documentary series, ‘Blue Peter’, presented by the teenage part-time prostitute and constantly pregnant, Janet Ellis, saw Deacon as a narcotics ‘razzed’ former rock star that shook constantly and involuntarily and found simple communication extremely difficult.

It was revealed during the series finale that Joey, as the public affectionately knew him, was actually a sufferer of the virulent brain and gum condition stephacockaliticus, which accounted for his shakes and frequent ‘expletive laden’ outbursts.

Following Blue Peter, Deacon pledged to return to the live stage, and this he did to spectacular effect on August 21st 1979.

The Deacon Festival of Song and Dance soon attracted the very best talent from around the world and by 1985, it was attracting upwards of 20 million viewers through the BBC.

Now less formally known as ‘Deak Fest', Joey Deacon is still a major part of the annual event.

Speaking today at a press conference he said that he would continue to hold the event as long as his health held out.

For those lucky enough to snap up the tickets this morning, Deac Fest 2008 takes place August 21st-23rd and is expected to feature alongside Deacon, The Zimmer Frames, Prescription Order, Paedo on a Pedestal, Oldplay, The Cunts and Kylie Minogue.

BBC2's Castrato Academy - "Child Abuse" says UNICEF

2005-03-18T00:10:00.000Z

Extreme marketing to capture the 'yoof' demographic

The BBC is facing increased pressure from the child concern organisation, UNICEF to cancel the new series of its controversial arts show ‘Castrato Academy’.

The BBC claims that Castrato Academy is a serious attempt to repopulate the Opera Houses of Europe with these iconic and unique singers.

The Castrato is a male singer with an artificially created soprano or alto voice. This is the result of castration in boyhood.

The combination of the larynx of a youth and the chest and lungs of a man produces a powerful voice of great range and unique sound, or as pop music, Svengali Peter Waterman described it, “a sound that can make a grown man cum in his chinos.”

Castrati were especially popular in churches and opera houses in Europe during the 17th and 18th century. The past 50 years has seen a dramatic decline in the popularity of the Castrati resulting in their officially listing as an endangered species since 1991.

The worlds most celebrated castratos are Carlo Broschi Farinelli (1705-82) and Rick Astley (1963 – 1998).

Astley: Never gonna give you up, buthappily gave them up.

The most disturbing aspect of Castrato Academy, according to UNICEF is the fact that parents happily hand their children over to the Academy often despite their child’s objection.

Castrato producer Helen Dakins defended the show this morning at a press conference held at the Royal Albert Hall, the setting for the shows finale in 10 weeks time,

“This is not just some tawdry game show,” Dakins told the amassed reporters, “this is about preserving an essential part of our world culture. If a few boys have to lose their knackers for it, that’s a really small price to pay.”

When asked how the parents could so readily hand their children over to the Academy, Datkins said, “Well, the fact is they know that their children will become famous and lead extraordinary lives. Plus, and this is always a major factor, the parents tend to make a ton of cash off them”.

A spokesperson for UNICEF described Castrato Academy as, “horrifically sick, debasing and morally vile.”

Ironically, the Head of Entertainment at BBC2, Mark Markinson, used exactly the same words when promoting the show at this morning’s press conference.

Markinson went on to add, “Not only do we get to see these boys learn to sing and perform to the best of their abilities, we also get to see them having their bollocks lobbed off. That’s true entertainment right there.”

BBC marketing focused on the 'no balls' gimmick

The BBC is currently pressing on with plans to air the first broadcast from the Castrato Academy as soon as April 2nd.

Nazis: Best dressers, says Vogue Magazine

2005-03-18T00:09:00.000Z

VOGUE: Jack boot literature for the modern woman.

Controversial, US based fashion magazine, Vogue, has once again found itself at the centre of a row concerning its latest issue.

‘Nazi Wow’, as the magazine describes its March issue, has been condemned by Jewish communities around the globe as being, ‘hatefully insensitive’.

In particular the Holocaust Survivor group and the Jewish Defence League have taken most offence at an article entitled ‘Nazi uniforms worth queuing at the showers for’, written by lead columnist and part-time actor Jennifer Lopez.

The article describes how the 1940s German Nazi Party and in particular the SS, were ‘snappy’ dressers, and despite the horrific wave of genocide they inflicted across Europe, targeting Jews, Blacks, Gipsies and Homosexuals, the article claims, “who could not be impressed by their threads”.

Lopez suggests that their horrific level of murder was only possible because they were so fashionably focused, and that the allies, whom Lopez describes as, ‘typically scruffy, sack cloth lovers’ could really have done with an ‘SS’ eye for lines, fabrics and colours.

This is the second time this year Vogue has found itself at the centre of a moral outrage regarding its ‘extreme’ fashion ethic. Its January cover declared the magazine to be a self proclaimed ‘Lover of Child Skin’, the new fashion trend of buying the ‘back skin’ from the children of a socially deprived immigrant worker.

The skin is removed from the child and then is dyed and twisted. The procedure inevitably leads to the death of the child. The wearer wraps the ‘Child Skin’ around the neck like a scarf.

‘Child Skin’ has become all the rage with the social elite in the US, with celebrities including Sarah Jessica Parker and Paris Hilton spotted as recently as Monday, wearing ‘Child skin’ at the premier of the new Robin Williams comedy, ‘Hotel Rwanda’.

In a related story, the computer game publishing giant, Activision, faces mounting pressure to remove it’s new management simulation game: Death Camp Commandant, from game store shelves around the country.

Run your own concentration camp, for fun.

Death Camp Commandant, a so-called ‘God game’ is similar in playing style to recent blockbuster management games, ‘Al Qaeda Cell Master’, and 'Israel Suicide Bomber’.

Death Camp Commandant gives players an entire ‘Auschwitz’ size concentration camp to run as efficiently as possible, with the ultimate goal being the eradication of what the game describes as the, ‘Jewish question’.

Rob Thomas, Head of PR at Activision, defended the companies game by claiming this was part of the natural evolution of the holocaust into mainstream entertainment. “If you are going to point the finger at Activision, I suggest you point it at Spielberg first. It was Spielberg that proved the genocide can sell in a big way, and at the same time can be educational."

Thomas went onto add that Spielberg’s 1993 smash hit drama, Schindler’s List, “legitimised the holocaust and thus paved the way for Death Camp Commandant”.

Whether Activisions argument holds water or not, it is certainly true that the depiction of the death of ten million people during the Second World War at the hands of the Nazi Party has increasingly become a staple of what we find acceptable as entertainment. Nothing, it appears, is too horrific to keep us entertained for a couple of hours, whether it be the well meaning Schindler’s List or the Robin William movie, Jakob the Liar.

If this is the case then Vogue and Activision are surely just reflecting our culture, not defining it.

Dowling gutted like a haddock: LIVE

2005-03-18T00:08:00.000Z

"Thank God" says Norton.

As Peter Weller of the famed 80’s pop group The Jam (and star of the 1985 movie Robocop) once sang, “The people get what the people want”, what the people wanted this evening was for the death of Brian Dowling, former star of Big Brother.

Securing only 4% of the overall vote meant that Dowling (34) became the second of 10 contestants from the BBC One surprise smash reality TV game show, Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge, to die live on TV.

Unlike last week’s loser, Sebastian Coe, Dowling refused to take his own life, dramatically declaring, “But the public love me, there’s always room for one more camp Irishman on TV.”

Sadly, this just was not the case and in line with the legally binding contract Dowling signed before entering the CEC house, his life became forfeit once he lost the public vote.

Dowling shot to fame only 10 months ago when he became the first ‘gay’ to win Big Brother 3. Since then, he has routinely appeared as a ‘pretend’ TV presenter on such diverse shows as ‘I’m Irish and gay, a bit like Graham Norton’, ‘How gay is your boyfriend?’ and the Montreal TV award winning, ‘More than just gay’.

During a recent interview Dowling was quoted as saying, "I’m sick of just being known by my sexuality, there’s so much more to me than that". When pressed to say exactly what more there was to him he simply replied, “I’m Irish as well.”

Unfortunately, neither his Irishness nor homosexuality could save him from the ‘death by a thousand cuts’ as decided by the production company behind CEC, Mutilated Child.

Show producer Lance Hewitt said of the shows live ‘execution’ which eventually took 45 minutes of continuous knife wounds to end Dowling’s life, “We’d have obviously preferred it if Brian had had the balls enough to top himself, but at the end of the day I guess he was just a total Gaylord”.

Hewitt quickly added, “And by that I mean a coward, obviously his sexuality has nothing to do with it, or anything. I’m totally right on with poofters and that.”

"Dowling: Straight as fuck, TPT: Dyke as hell", says FIVE

Ironically, Dowling was due to be ‘outed’ as being fake gay straight by Channel FIVE in its controversial show ‘Celebrity Outing: LIVE’, later this month. Five have yet to make a statement as to whether the Dowling episode will still air.

Coe blows his brains out: LIVE

2005-03-18T00:07:00.000Z

COE: First to go.

Sebastian Coe (61), former Olympic darts champion and conservative MP, became the first of ten celebrities to die live on air, following a public vote this evening, which decided his fate.

Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge, now in it’s second week has already seen the attempted suicide by TV presenter John Leslie. During a tear-shed confession, Leslie (52) tried to cut his wrists with a 20cm shatter resistant ruler whilst he talked openly of an addiction to ‘readers wives’ type pornography and a predilection for dirty underwear which he admitted he would habitually steal from his local laundrette.

He only stopped the attempt when it became apparent that the ruler was not so much cutting his wrist as just making it sore.

It was Coe however, that failed to gain enough public votes to secure his position in the CEC house for an additional week.

In line with the BBC’s extreme reality game show rules, the celebrity with the least votes faces euthanasia. In a concession to European legislation, the celebrity in question can decide to take their life in a style of their own choosing.

In a nail biting finale to this evening broadcast, Coe elected to play a round of ‘Russian roulette’, a game made famous by Christopher Walken in the 1982 Michael Winner movie The Deer Hunter.

CEC production team, Mutilated Child handed Coe a revolver gun containing five blank rounds and one live. The objective of the game is to spin the chamber and pull the trigger with the gun pointed at your head.

As Coe himself said shortly before starting the game, “At least this will delay things…well that is until my luck eventually runs out.”

Describing the ‘Kobayashi Maru’, or no win situation, as it is better known, Producer Lance Hewitt said,

“Coe was a real sport, and a dedicated showman to the very end, we couldn’t think of a more exciting conclusion to our first public vote.”

He said before adding, “it’s just a shame it was the very first pull of the trigger that had the live round in it. I’d admit that it brought proceedings to a premature ending, but then Coe always was known for being fast out of the blocks”

Coe achieved only 4% of the public vote, with media analyst suggesting that his role as a Tory MP worked against him.

“You only need to look at (Johnny) Vaughan who got the biggest slice of the votes to realise that the public would rather back an ex-con child killer than a Tory” believes Jill Hanson of the independent consultancy, Media Now! “We also noticed this week that (Gareth) Gates has gone back to using his stutter as a means to garner sympathy with the viewers, it worked in pop idol, and it seems to be working here also”

A memorial service for Coe will be held later this week. In the meantime there is a second chance to see his suicide on Thursday evenings highlight show or at the Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge official website.

Condoleezza is America's sexist woman.

2005-03-07T00:20:00.000Z

B3: American publishing legend

Bombs, Bullets, and Babes magazine have named US National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice America’s sexist woman.

The American publication ran a poll in its April issue to name readers number one ‘figure of lust’. High in the ranking were The Statue of Liberty, Goldie Hawn, Janet Jackson’s nipple (Jackson herself did not appear in the poll), Paris Hilton and Eleanor Roosevelt. However, it was ‘Bush’s gal’, Rice that hit the highest mark.

“It’s a combination of her striking looks, her no nonsense attitude, and her power to nuke the dang out the rag heads that really appeals to our readers", said Bombs, Bullets, and Babes magazine editor Randy Stradler, “She’s a fox, I know I’d definitely like to hit that tail” He added.

Rice is not the first female politician to top the sexist woman poll in Bombs, Bullets, and Babes. In 1999 former Prime Minister Baroness Thatcher, won a landslide vote to be declared, ‘Sexist poontang of the century.’ Britney Spears beat her off the following year.

Bombs, Bullets and Babes magazine annual sexist woman poll, has seen a fair amount of controversy over the years, most notably when it voted Drew Barrymore, star and co-producer of hit movie Charlie’s Angels, the most ‘boneable chick of the year’ in 1982 for her role in Steven Spielberg’s E.T. Barrymore was only five years old at the time.

Stradler defended his readership in a recent interview on Radio 4 Today show when ‘Bombs, Bullets, and Babes’ ran a feature entitled, ‘Top ten coloureds we’d like to lynch’.

“Our readership is made up from a broad cross section of American folk, so it’s a nonsense to suggest it’s only male, fundamentalist Christian, racist, child abusing, republicans that buy our publication.” Stradler told Today’s John Humphries, “It’s also popular with Spics and some Jiggaboos.”

The April issue of Bombs, Bullets, and Babes is on sale from Monday.

BBC's Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge kicks off!

2005-03-04T12:55:00.000Z

CEC: The final line up - Only one will be alive in 10 weeks time.

Millions of viewers tuned in last night to watch the first live broadcast from the BBC’s new flagship game show, Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge.

Described by the Guardians media correspondent, Duncan Dooley as, “a cross between Big Bother, Celebrity Jungle Hunt and Oscar winning movie, Million Dollar Baby, but with less boxing,” the show is the BBC’s attempt to recapture viewers lost to the phenomenally successful Channel 4 show, Death Row Big Bother.

Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge pits 10 celebrities in a ‘hospital style’ studio, who will over the course of the 10 week run engage in a series of challenges against one another.

Each week the celebrity with the lowest cumulative score will be ‘put down’ by one of the shows trained ‘Doctors of Death’, as they are already known by the tabloid press.

The celebrity facing demise, will, as an alternative to forcibly being killed, be encouraged to commit suicide in a method of his or her own choosing. It is suggested this will act as a means of making their final moments more dignified, and according to Mutilated Child, the shows producers, boost ratings.

The winner of the show, the surviving celebrity will be award £250k and a chance to present the second, inevitable series of the show. The presenter for this series is Carol Smiley, who at one time was rumoured to be appearing as a contestant herself.

The identities of the 10 selected celebrities, have until now been kept a secret, although Gail Porter, Johnny Vaughan and Gareth Gates were revealed in the pre-show publicity.

Although only 9 celebrities are currently listed as appearing, (not including the Hamilton’s who count as one) when pressed on this Mutilated Child said, “All will become clearer in the course of the show, so stay tuned”.

Anyone of the celebrities who need to escape from the situation for a while can consult a psychotherapist, or go to a special “consultants room” to speak directly to the viewers.

During the social experiment, tasks will be set by the producers to balance the mood of the situation in the house, and hopeful intensify it.

If the producers of this show have learnt anything from Channel 4’ Death Row Big Brother it is that people will eventually turn off after 48 hours of nothing happening. (Although this is still a very tiny percentage of viewers)

The BBC science editor Gavin Henshaw said: "This will allow us to explore different aspects of their personalities.

"Some of the challenges will involve fighting, leadership skills, co-operation, and blatant physical abuse and so on”

Success in completing challenges will be rewarded with points which can buy extra food or luxuries such as alcohol, but ultimately save their lives.

Comparisons to the smash hit Channel 4 show are inevitable, however producer Lance Hewitt was far from ambivalent regarding the similarity,

'Blue' Peter, former presenters including Fielding, all dead now sadly.

“Tell me, what would you rather watch, some thick, uneducated, unappealing shell of a man being hung, or John Leslie slitting his own wrists in a bath whilst reminiscing about the time he ‘banged’ Yvette Fielding and Catherine Zeta Jones in a three way on the set of Blue Peter?”

Hewitt said, before adding, “I know what I’m going to be watching.”

UK Prime Minister punches US President

2005-03-03T15:35:00.000Z

WORLD NEWS: An international row has erupted today following yesterdays meeting between Prime Minister Gordon Ramsay and US President George Bush, which ended with Ramsay ‘laying out’ the President in a single punch.

The PM sez: Come on Bush, if you think you're hard enough!

Described by the Guardian newspaper this morning as the biggest blow for US/ UK relations in history, the incident occurred when Ramsay took offence to Bush’s remark, describing Britain as,

“A nation of kiddie fiddling, pinko Satanists who need a strong hand from a God fearing man, not a jumped up Soux chef with a potty mouth”.

Speaking later at a hastily organised press conference, Ramsay told reporters that he simply had had enough of the bullying tactics consistently employed by Bush and his Government,

“I’d come to the end of my tether,” Ramsay said, “If he’d pulled that shit in one of my kitchens I’d have done more than clock the cunt”

Ramsay went on to say that he had no regrets for what he had done, and that if Bush had a problem with it, “he knows where to find me.”

The President and his team immediately flew back to the states, and have now begun to recall all ambassadors from UK embassies,

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said this morning,

“He (Ramsay) is in serious need of help regarding his anger management issues” before adding, “Ramsay struck Bush when Bush had his back turned, otherwise Bush would have had that snivelling limp wrist Brit no problem.”

Relations between the US and the UK have become increasingly fractious over the past two years following the US invasion of Northern Ireland, one of the ‘Axis of evil’ powers and ‘harbour of terrorists’, as described by Bush.

Dr Lilly Lipgay of Brighton University regards the invasion and current occupation of Northern Ireland as, “the logical conclusion to the US war on terror.”

Lipgay also suggested that Ramsay’s attack on Bush could possibly do more good than harm, “America is simply not liked in the world, but they are the only super power. You can attack them with bombs and bullets, killing soldiers and civilians, but it never really harms the decision makers. What Ramsay did was humiliate their President, and in effect their government, and that is where the real focus of world hatred lies, not the America people.”

Jamie Oliver, Education Minister, and former chef put it more bluntly,

“No one dislikes the ordinary yanks, we just hate that monkey puppet in power and all his cronies. Gordon clocking him one in the mush was sweet as a nut.”

It was expected that Ramsay would today face a call for his resignation when he attended Prime Ministers questions in the commons, however all Ramsay actually faced was a standing ovation from fellow MPs.

“It was like that scene in Love, actually,” said opposition leader Delia Smith, “ Except Ramsay got to lamp the retard gimp, and it didn’t make you feel physically sick to sit through it”

Internationally, it appears Ramsay’s actions have met with similar praise. With promises of support coming from as far a field as Iran, Australia, North Korea, Japan, Italy, Germany and Russia.

It also appears that the incident has brought the UK closers to it’s nearest neighbour France, with French Prime Minister Jean Reno commenting, “I wished that I had hit him, especially when he asked why France was so gay. Bless Mr Ramsay, he has made a strike for the world”.

Bush: Moments after the assault, clearly not amused.

Zeth Mongoloid of the Washington Post believes this incident presents a significant challenge for the Bush Presidency, “If Bush comes out and condemns Ramsay, he only reconfirms his arrogance and further isolates the US from the rest of world. If he is contrite, it will be perceived as weakness in the eyes of the American people and destabilise his standing as a tough and effective leader.”

Mongoloid added, “Ramsay’s lucky he didn’t pull that bullshit here, because as you know we love our guns, and we love to use them as an inappropriate response to a minor threat”.

President Bush is expected to make a statement regarding the incident later today. What he will say is currently unknown, what is expected however, is a huge black shiner to be covering his right eye.

Porter and Vaughan both sign up for Euthanasia

2005-03-03T01:24:00.000Z

Porter: Sadly effected by big head, small body syndrome

BBC One revealed today that the TV presenters, Gail Porter and ‘jail bird’ Johnny Vaughan, are both confirmed for the forthcoming extreme reality game show, Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge.

Porter (15) became notorious as the ‘Parliament flaps girl’, following a publicity stunt staged by ‘lads’ magazine ‘Erection’, in which her spread open legs were projected onto the Houses of Parliament.

Although this in many people’s eyes was bad enough, matters were made worse when it became clear that her vagina covered the members’ entrance to the house, prompting the BBC Radio 4 satirical news quiz show to quip,

“It was the first time that anyone could recall Peter Mandelson entering a woman, the same could not be said of course for Glenda Jackson,”

Vaughan (46) is the ‘TV Presenter with a past’ as the tabloid newspapers quickly dubbed him when he first appeared on UK screens in 1999. The past turned out to be a ten-year jail sentence for armed robbery and the manslaughter of 12-year-old Nikki Peters, during the getaway. Vaughan’s introduction to the UK audiences on Channel 4’s popular breakfast show, ‘Up at the crack’, provoked outrage in the Commons. Forcing the then home secretary Rod Hull MP to comment,

“He (Vaughan) has served his sentence and is now fully rehabilitated. If he is restricted from pursuing a career based a crime he has paid for, then what message does this send out about UK justice?”

When Hull was challenged regarding Vaughan’s alleged drug use following his release from prison, Hull responded,

“Surely a drug habit is a requisite for Television, not a barrier to it?”

Vaughan: Just effected by a big head

It is certainly the case that both Vaughan and Porter have seen better days. However their inclusion into a show that promises at least nine celebrity deaths over five weeks will undoubtedly further raise its profile.

Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge will need to have the highest profile possible as it goes head to head with the ratings juggernaut that is Death Row Big Brother in little over a weeks time.

For more on Death Row Big Brother click here.

Quiz presenter Paul Ross dies at 58

2005-03-01T17:36:00.001Z

Ross: His failure as a singer only exacerbated his 'emotional' issues

BREAKING NEWS: It has been revealed this morning that quiz show presenter and, ‘brother of more a famous celebrity’ Paul Ross, was found dead in a hotel room in Las Vegas, Nevada USA on Saturday. He died of a suspected heart attack.

Ross was 58.

A post-mortem found there were signs of significant natural pathology but conclusions on the causes of death could not yet be drawn, although Deputy coroner Dr David Bexhill commented that the body maintained an exceptionally high level of purified sugar,

“It looks like the deceased literally stuffed himself to death”, noted Bexhill before adding, “He checked into the Luxor (hotel) on Thursday evening, by the time the body was discovered by the maid on Saturday morning the room had in excess of two thousand candy bar wrappers in it”.

Ross was a notorious ‘Twinkaholic’, a common addiction amongst failing celebrities for the American snack food, Twinkies. Twinkies are a cake-bar with two sugar buns filled with sugar cream. This is not to be confused with ‘Twinks’ an American slang term for a youthful homosexual man.

A Twink next to a Twinkie. Ross loved to 'eat' one of these.

Ross is rumoured to have imported up to five thousand Twinkies bars a month for the past three years.

His management team made a brief statement this morning stating that Ross had been battling depression and an eating disorder caused by his inability to move out of day time TV, in particular the most recent quiz show Ross was fronting, ITV’s lunchtime filler ‘Slap my monkey for cash,

“It was crippling for Ross”, said Jennifer March, Ross’s manager of five years, “he firmly believed he could do much better”, she said, before concluding, “but as everyone else knew, he certainly couldn’t”.

Ross comes from a family of TV personalities and presenters, which was first set up as an experiment in the 1950’s by the then Labour government, to genetically engineer working class and lower middle class people into mainstream entertainment.

A first early success for the team responsible was Ross’s uncle, Tommy Steele, the popular singer, mostly notable for the smash hit single, 'My little pink balls'.

However, it was his brother, chat show host and ‘lippy twat’, Keith Chegwin, who achieved the greatest success of the two brothers. It was a success that Ross could never accept, sources closes to Ross revealed today, with feelings of jealously and resentment dominating his daily life.

These feelings bubbled dramatically to the surface during a broadcast of Chegwin’s Friday evening chat show, in November last year. Whilst interviewing his brother, Chegwin asked Ross what the format was for his new daytime quiz show, Ross replied;

Ross (bearded)with bother Cheggers in 1981

“Who gives a fuck? It’s just some shit that only cripples, spacks, coffin dodgers and those lazy piss stained bastards who are just too idle or too thick to get a job and get them out the house, watch to fill their empty days”.

Ross said before adding, “Not like that parade of over paid no talent media whores you get here every week for you to fawn over like the pathetic insincere sycophantic bastard you are”.

Ross later apologised for any offence he had caused and blamed his outburst on ‘exhaustion’.

Ross’s closest friend Dr Harold Shipman, presenter of Radio 4’s Case Notes, had this to say about Ross,

“He was not the easiest person to get along with at times”, Shipman said, “his arrogance was only matched by his massive ego, the tragedy of course was that in terms of presenting TV he just wasn’t very good, and I think deep down he knew it.”

Shipman went on to say that Ross had an inability to engage with the contestants on the show’s he presented, “They typically came away thinking he was a complete and utter tit”, Shipman said.

Ross is survived by twenty-three half eaten Mars bars and his nine-year-old Collie, Superstar.

Gareth Gates signs up to die.

2005-03-01T00:31:00.000Z

Gates: First of the gang to die?

In an effort to minimise the damage done by last Friday’s historic finale to Death Row Big Bother, now officially the most successful and controversial extreme reality game show of all time, the BBC today announced the first contestant on its newest games show, Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge.

Speaking to reporters this morning at London’s largest record store, SLUTS, positioned prominently in Piccadilly Circus, the shows producer Lance Hewitt said,

“Gareth Gates is just one of ten reasons to watch this show”,

When asked what the other nine were, Hewitt responded in his now characteristic bluntness,

“The other contestants, you dozy tit”.

The BBC were keen to distance itself from last weeks rumours that the intend contestant list for CEC was less than stellar, with former 80’s game show host Jimmy Harris setting the benchmark for the talent the show would attract.

With the unveiling of Gates (17) as the first of ten celebrities who will risk death for an opportunity to be once again in the spot light, it initially appears that the BBC may have a DRBB killer up it’s sleeve after all.

The next two weeks is likely to see a tit-for-tat campaign of ‘shock’ advertisement by both Abortion Tickles, the brains behind DRBB and Mutilated Child, the producers of CEC, as they attempt to get the most ‘viewer recognition’ and ‘must see appeal’, in this crucial period.

As always it fell to Hewitt to have the last word at today’s press conference, when asked if his show could possibly see off Death Row Big Brother, Hewitt simply said.

“You fuckin’ knows it!”

The first Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge is due to air on BBC One at 8.00pm Friday 5th March, with Death Row Big Brother 2 scheduled to appear on Channel 4 just one week later.

For more articles regarding;

Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge

The Joey Deacon festival 2008 sells out in record time!

2005-02-27T18:34:00.002Z

News for our youth - it's been done before!

Deak Fest ’08 has sold out in record time. Tickets for the 28th annual music festival centred on former stephacockaliticus sufferer Joseph ‘Joey’ Deacon went on sale at 9.00am this morning. By 11.31am all 112,000 tickets had gone.

Joey Deacon started The Deacon Festival of Song and Dance following his dramatic rise in the public conscience in the summer of 1979.

Numerous appearances on the BBC’s flagship ‘adult orientated’ Drugs and Sex expose documentary series ‘Blue Peter’, presented by the teenage part-time prostitute and very pregnant, Janet Ellis, saw Deacon as a narcotics ‘razzed’ former rock star that shook constantly and involuntarily and found simple communication extremely difficult.

It was revealed during the series finale that Joey, as the public affectionately knew him, was actually a sufferer of the virulent brain and gum condition stephacockaliticus, which accounted for his shakes and frequent ‘expletive laden’ outbursts.

Following Blue Peter, Deacon pledged to return to the live stage, and this he did to spac-tacular effect on August 21st 1979.

The Deacon Festival of Song and Dance soon attracted the very best talent from around the world and by 1985, it was attracting upwards of 20 million viewers through the BBC.

Now less formally known as ‘Deak Fest', Joey Deacon is still a major part of the annual event.

Speaking today at a press conference he said that he would continue to hold the event as long as his health held out adding;

“Uerrr uerr uer ueu ueruerrr uerr uerrr uerr uerrrrr”.

For those lucky enough to snap up the tickets this morning, Deac Fest 2008 takes place August 21-23 and is expected to feature alongside Deacon, The Zimmer Frames, Prescription Order, Paedo on a Pedestal, Oldplay, The Cunts and Kylie Minogue.

Five confirm Celebrity Outing: LIVE

2005-02-27T01:00:00.000Z

It is the news that the celebrity world has been dreading, Channel 5 confirmed today that Celebrity Outing: Live would be going ahead and airing as soon as March this year.

Celebrity Outing Live is the brainchild of notorious TV Producer Joanna P McCready and her production team Crimson Tide; the masterminds behind last years break out hit Child Swap.

Channel 5 raises it's profile with more documentaries

Parenting Groups universally condemned Child Swap across the UK. The Campaign for Children in Cotton Wool, or CCCW, stated on their website that Child Swap,

“Maintained the pretense of social experiment and education for the sake of lowest common denominator entertainment”,

The group found the ‘defamatory language’ used by show narrator Martin Clunes to be the most offensive aspect of the show. “Clunes seems to spit out the words ‘pikey’ and ‘chav’ as he describes the children from the less privileged background” the CCCW note.

Child Swap ran throughout autumn last year and featured both middle-class and work-class couples who freely exchanged their 4-year-old children with each other for a period of 12 months. During this time, a TV crew followed both families as they adapt to their new parents and new children.

McCready was on hand this morning to answer questions about Five’s new high profile celebrity themed show at a press conference held at a 5-star hotel in central London.

The first question came from a reporter who asked MrCready to explain how her previous show was educational.

“Obviously Child Swap showed us conclusively that it is easier and more socially rewarding to take a child from a poor family and integrate it into a better off family. It was demonstrated that society is still very split in terms of class”,

The same reporter challenged McCready by suggesting that everybody already knew this and all McCready was in fact doing was lighting fires and then standing back to film it.

At this pointed, the reporter, who turned out to be from Radio Times, was ejected from the conference by security guards.

After a few moments, McCready took another question regarding the format of the show,

“Crimson Tide are fully aware that Celebrity Outing: Live is potentially a more risky proposition than Child Swap. We deliberately set out to expose both gay celebrities purporting to be heterosexual, and heterosexuals who purport to be gay”

When asked if this a particularly common practice in the world of celebrities, McCready cryptically answered, “You have no idea”.

Asked if she were concerned by the inevitably backlash, such a show would cause. McCready said;

"I don't really care what the celebrities think about this. I am not doing it for them. This is for non-celebrities, the little people who tune in and are constantly tricked into believe they are Politically Correct or right-on because they laugh with people like Graham Norton and Dale Winton who they wrongly believe are gay”

McCready said, before adding, "Which we know they are most definitely not"

To which a reporter for the Daily Mail shouted out, “And now so do we”. At this, the amassed crowd of Journalist began to laugh.

Declan Donnelly is one of these fools

Declan Donnelly, one half of popular presenting duo ‘Anthony and Declan’, who is also chairman of the TV Personality League, certainly is not laughing. During an interview, this afternoon he had this to say about Five’s proposed new show,

"If that bitch (McCready) goes ahead with this sh*te", Donnelly said, "It'll f**k up the lives of a great many of the people you see everyday on TV. Not just the big hitters like Tone, and me. I’m talking about the guys in the pub at the Rovers or Queen Vic. The tarts doing the weather and yes, even the classics of TV like Whitely, Edmonds and Tarrant".

Donnelly explained before quickly noting, "Not that I am saying Whitely, Edmonds or Tarrant are poofters of course".

The TV Personality League was set up four years ago. It was specifically designed to safeguard the interests of 'legitimate' TV personalities. Donnelly explained that TV personalities are those who regularly appear on television, as opposed to what Donnelly describes as,

"All those council house born, no-talents gurning monkeys from those horrific reality TV shows, that would sell their kidneys to get a toe on telly for a second".

The incident which led to the formation of TVPL, involved Bruce Forsyth, presenter of ITV's ‘Show them your cards’, being shown his cards and sacked from the popular family game show. The following week Kitten, the militant gay activist from Big Brother 11, replaced Forsyth.

"That lezzer only got the job because she was cheap,” Donnelly declared, “And because all the hairless chimps knew who she was”

‘Hairless chimps’ as Donnelly later revealed, is a technical term for the demographic most attracted to reality TV shows.

Dr Johnson Merryweather, Head of Media studies, Toxteth Sixth Form College, Merseyside, said that the reason the majority of celebrities were in fear that their true sexual orientation would become known, was not because they believe the British public is inherently homophobic, it was rather that the British just like to know who their straights are and who their gays are.

“And they really hate to be bullshitted”, Merryweather added.

Merryweather referenced popular children’s entertainer Lilly Savage who appeared throughout the 90's on our television as Paul O'Grady. "It just confused the public",

Merryweather said "One minute she's a gay straight man, the next he’s a straight transvestite gay. They need it kept simple to keep watching"

Merryweather suggested that Julian Clary was the perfect role model for gaining affection amongst the television viewers,

"He was bender, he said he was a bender and everyone knew where they were and they loved him for it", when asked what he meant by 'bender' Merryweather become embarrassed and explained that he meant to say 'homosexual' and apologised for any offence caused.

In fact it’s testament to Merryweather’s theory that when in 1998 Clary publicly stated he had been ‘fisting’ the then chancellor, his comments were met with affection and understanding. If on the other hand a heterosexual entertainer had made the same comment, there would certainly have been a media outcry. Such is the precarious nature of sharing your sexuality with the nation.

Out come in big guns for the ratings war

There’s no question that Celebrity Outing: LIVE is almost certainly going to be a ratings giant, mixing as it does the winning elements of celebrity, sex, scandal and as McCready described at today’s press conference, “A game show element all the family can get involved in”.

Whether the government will choose to step in remains to be seen, but with questions in the house being raised regarding Britain’s rapidly declining Celebrity numbers, it can only surely be a question of time.

Celebrity Outing: LIVE is due to air mid March. Child Swap is out to own on DVD from Monday.

Queen Mother is 134 today!

2005-02-26T13:10:00.000Z

A 'radiant' Queen Mother today at 134.

After two weeks of rumours, speculation and denials the Royals must have sighed with relief that today’s media attention on their family was for a vastly more positive reason, for it was on this day in 1871 that mother to the Queen, The Queen Mother was born.

Although a Thursday child, the Queen Mother has achieved a great many things in her life, in particular giving birth to the future Queen of England and smiling freely in public, despite being afflicted at a very young age with rotten teeth, or as it is more commonly known, the ‘Scottish grin’.

At the astonishing age of 134, the Queen Mother is still extremely ‘flexible’, as a source close to the Windsor family put it earlier today.

In fact despite her age, the Queen Mother is still expected to ride the eight-year old, ‘Uber Alles’ owned by close personal friend Alex ‘Frank Ferdinand’ Kapranos, at next weeks Cheltenham’s Gold Cup.

However, the Queen Mothers age has become a cause of controversy over the last few years, particularly with the rise of the ‘Blogging’ community. Amongst the wildest claims the Blogger’s make, is that The Queen Mother actually died in 1981 during the Royal Gala Performance of the multi-Oscar award winning film ‘Chariots of Fire’ directed by Ken Loach.

Chariots, a 'tedious' film by Ken Loach

The theory goes on to suggest that the current Queen Mother is in fact a fully automated robot double or android, very much like those caught impersonating senior politicians during the Delos scandal in 1976.

Dr Montgomery Lexington-Smith, personal physician to the Queen Mother puts her durability down to more mundane factors. Speaking on Saturday’s edition of Radio 1’s ‘Question Time’, Lexington-Smith was asked by a member of the Wormwood Scrubs audience to explain the miraculous longevity of the Queen Mother;

Lexington Smith said, “It is simply the result of a combination of her genetic stock, which is frankly, excellent and the fact that she has never had to lift a single finger for herself her whole damn life.”

He went on to say that he saw no reason why she wouldn’t go on to celebrate her second centennial, “That is of course”, he added, “unless she dies in the meantime”.

All day tributes have been flooding into Windsor Castle, The Queen Mothers home since she was ‘booted out of Buckingham Palace’ as she herself so often puts it.

Amongst the many tributes was that of Edith Bowman, who at 103 is currently the oldest work class person in Briton. Bowman has particularly fond memories of The Queen Mother during the dark days of the Second World War.

Bowman at 103 remebers Queen Mother

“At the time I remember thinking how fabulous she was because she was here, amongst the death and destruction, visiting us in our bombed out homes. It gave us a lot of comfort to know the Royal family were suffering through just like us” Bowman said before adding, “but then again, it wasn’t like the bitch actually got within ten feet of a Krout doodlebug, not like most of the poor buggers in London”.

She goes on to explain that once the sirens started the Queen Mother and her “worthless retarded blood sucking brood”, as Bowman puts it, “were down those tunnels in Buck house faster than a dachshund down a badger hole.”

Donald Gunterson, a former Butler to the Queen Mother between 1948 and 1951, described her as being an exceptionally compassionate person, remarking “she certainly thrashed me far less than her psycho husband,” adding, “I was pleased when the bastard died in ‘52”.

Unfortunately, the happy occasion has been marred slightly by Prince Harry’s comments made by during a British National Party ‘town hall’ style meeting, held today in Guildford, Surrey.

The off-the-cuff comments were captured on a microphone which Prince Harry, or as the Sun Newspaper has recently dubbed him, The Black-Shirt Prince, thought was switched off.

Darth Vader and The Queen Mother

During a conversation with the BNP leader and popular TV Presenter Dermot O’Leary, about the Queen Mother, Prince Harry can clearly be heard to remark, “The old cow just won’t die” adding “she’s more machine now than human, twisted and evil”, in a witty reference to Darth Vader, the villain of the 1970’s children’s fantasy feature film, Star Wars.

As has been well reported, there is a long running feud between the young Princes and the Queen Mother, their Great Grand Mother.

The hostility is said to stem back to a public remark made on the day of Princess Diana’s funeral by the Queen Mother. When asked by the BBC Royal correspondent Iain Lee, if the Royal family were at all surprised by the public outpouring of affection for the late Princess, the Queen Mother replied, “frankly we’re well shot of her”.

Despite this, the Queen Mother will be celebrating her birthday this evening in traditional style. Prince Philip explained what this involved during an interview on today's Channel 4’s Richard and Judy show;

“We all meet up at the Castle and have a hog roast, a knees up and a bit of sing song”.

Queen mothers new arm

The public will next get an opportunity to see the Queen Mother 'in action', when she visits Moorgate Hospital in early March to have a minor operation to graft a second ‘bionic’ arm on to her existing upper body exoskeleton.

Vernon Kay on suicide watch.

2005-02-26T01:39:00.000Z

Kay: battling depression, trannies and flatulence

Breaking News: Long serving Channel 4 presenter Vernon Kay, who was on the T4 sofa on the ‘youth' magazine show’s first day on air in March 1987, is tonight subject to ‘suicide watch’, at Hanwell County Psychiatric Hospital, Middlesex.

His management team said today that the 39-year-old became seriously ill on Wednesday evening.

“In a confused state Vernon Kay accidentally took 100 sleeping tablets with a bottle of Jack Daniels, which he mistook for a vitamin C tablet and a glass of organic rice water,

Fortunately, Mr Kay was able to call close friend, Mr Campbell, who subsequently arranged for an ambulance. Following Mr Kay’s stomach pump, Mr Campbell accompanied Mr Kay to the Hanwell Psychiatric hospital.

As soon as we will have more information we will let you know.” they said in a statement.

Kay’s management team went onto explain that Mr Kay was suffering from ‘exhaustion’.

A source to close to Kay, said today that Kay was in fact ‘as crazy as a loon’, and that his ‘cheeky chappie’, presenting style, belied a more trouble personality.

The source revealed that Kay’s ‘on again/ off again’ relationship with Nicky Campbell, BBC presenter of ‘Shot’em if they enter’, the home invasion themed game show, was largely to blame for his recent spate of problems.

Campbell, part of the problem?

Over the past six months, Kay has rarely been out of the tabloid press as he publicly battled both depression caused by his ‘fatuous TV persona’, as he was often heard to describe it, and a crippling addiction to Asian Transsexuals, or ‘Ladyboys’ as they are more commonly known.

It was Kay’s passion for 'palomas with plonkers,' as Kay preferred to call them, which had caused the rift between both him and Campbell. When interviewed last week in the Radio Times, Campbell said of his relationship with Kay,

“I love him dearly, but he just can’t resist anything in a short skirt and an Adams apple”

Kay originally hails from Guildford but affected a Yorkshire accent at the start of his television career.

He shot to stardom in 1985 when he appeared as Geoffrey Palmers ‘bottom double’ in the now famous, ‘hardcore’ episode of the BBC award winning Drama series ‘As Time Goes By’, which also starred Dame Judi Dench as the 'sex crazed' widower.

E4 co-presenter, and known Transsexual herself, June Sarapong, had this to say about Kay’s current situation,

“Vern’s a tough guy with a big heart, all of the team here at E4 are rooting for him, except maybe the Welsh bloke who wouldn’t mind getting in on Vern’s action if he did take a turn for the worst”,

She went on to add, “not that it’ll come to that, we hope.”

Kay is scheduled to present Channels 4’s new hard hitting current affairs documentary series, which takes a serious look at the rise of women in extremist terror organisations.

Channel 4 documentary fronted by Kay

The series entitled ‘Bombs, bullets and babes’ is due to air in March.

Countdown Vorderman dies at 63

2005-02-25T01:12:00.000Z

Vorderman at last years 'Mullet Aid' Charity Benefit

TV Presenter Carol Vorderman, best known as the 'thinking mans crumpet', died late last night in Caterham General Hospital, it was announced today.

Vorderman was 63.

The 'brainy' presenter died of stephacockaliticus, a virulent viral condition that affects both the gum and the brain. Dr Heinrich Dietz, speaking this morning at a press conference held at Caterham Hospital, suggested that it was likely Vorderman contracted the condition whilst appearing on ITV's 'Celebrity Jungle Hunt' programme.

Celebrity Jungle Hunt is an extreme reality television game show which features 'washed up' or 'has been' ex-celebrities, performing a number of hazardous, and life threatening tasks in the depths of the Australian Outback.

On Tuesday, Vorderman retired early from the show after complaining of persistent neuralgia. She soon became violent ill, forcing the shows production company, Lowlife, to fly her back to the UK for immediate medical treatment.

Vorderman subsequently lapsed into a coma on Wednesday evening, from which she unfortunately never recovered.

Vorderman began her TV career as the, 'words and number girl' for Channel 4's long running 'super dull' quiz programme, Countdown. Her innate ability to string a coherent sentence together, and lean forward enough, whilst selecting letters, to reveal her ample cleavage, lent Vorderman a degree of notoriety.

Vorderman gets stuck, again

She soon became a household name following her high profile romance with US 'rock-hunk' Lenny Kravitz. Their relationship lasted 4 years only ending when Kravitz was eventually deported back to the United States, for music related crimes.

In 1999, when she was already 56, Vorderman was on the verge of being signed to present the smash hit reality TV show, "Big Brother".

However, she became dogged by press allegations that she had appeared in a number of 'inter-species' pornographic features, including the now notorious 'Charlotte's Web' and 'Tumbledown farm'.

Although Vorderman never publicly denied her involvement in the features, she did attempt to justify it by claiming the films had ‘eductional’ value.

In light of the allegations made against Vorderman, Channel 4 decided they needed a more 'respectable' public face for their Big Brother show, which lead them to hire ex-heroin addict, Davina FuCall.

Vorderman's TV career never fully recovered from this public rejection and she soon lapsed into alcoholism and heavy drug use.

Vorderman 'smacked up' on Countdown

It was whilst in a rehabilitation clinic on the Isle of Dogs, that she met David Lean, producer of Celebrity Jungle Hunt.

Lean was so impressed by Vordermans obvious desperation to regain the spotlight, that he immediately signed her for the second series of the controversial gameshow.

Interviewed recently about her involvement in Celebrity Jungle Hunt, Vorderman remarked;

"I see this as an entirely new chapter in my life. I am for the first time in years, excited about the future. It's like being reborn", she said.

Voderman is survived by 4 consonants from the top and middle row, and a vowel.

"I am not Clone", says Prince William

2005-02-23T15:12:00.000Z

William and 'ginger' friend share a joke

Clarence House was forced again today to deny recent rumours circulating in the tabloid media regarding a key member of the Royal Family.

This follows just a few days after claims that the former Princess of Wales, Diana, had been resurrected from the dead and was now living as a single parent in Clacton on Sea.

The new allegation, that Prince William, the son of the heir to the throne, is in fact a genetic copy or 'clone', of the notorious German statesman Tomas Kuhlerman, has already been called, 'Ludicrous' by the sources close to Prince William.

William in 2001 - Kuhlerman in 1937

Kuhlerman, a highly regarded athlete and intellectual, was the original template used by the German scientists working under the Nazi party, in their quest to create the so-called ‘Überman’. (similar to the 1960's American government ‘Superman’ project, which itself was only a partial success with the production of ‘Dogstar’ guitarist Keanu Reeves)

Kuhlerman was later revealed to have played a central part in the Nazi parties efforts to recover the 'Ark of the Covenant', which they intended to use to gain an upper hand against their allied enemies during the final years of World War 2.

The Ark of the Convenant - Where is it now?

The cloning allegation was made during a key-note speech taken by Dr Brenda Bollinger at the ‘Human Reproductive and Fetishisation International Conference’, held each year at this time in Dagenham, East London.

Dr Bollinger is the Chief Executive of the controversial genetic research institute, Clonard, based in Madrid. Spain.

She is also an outspoken advocate for human reproductive cloning.

“Its patently ridiculous that there is an international ban in place designed to restrict the cloning of human embryos” Dr Brenda Bollinger said yesterday morning during her speech, “Especially since we are in a country right now, who has a clone as the heir to the throne” she added.

Bollinger gives key-note

When speaking later during a Q&A session for the journalists, Bollinger was asked to confirm that she was making a reference to Prince William.

“Obviously, I’m speaking only of Prince William.” She confirmed, before going on to explain, “If we found out Charles and the ginger one were clones, we’d probably decided it is a bad thing after all, and give up”.

Human cloning is the process of taking DNA from a human cell, inserting this into an egg and implanting into a surrogate mother, or 'follow through whore' as they are also known.

The first successful clone was a cat produced from an adult cell, created by the Richards institute based in Belfast, Northern Ireland.

Bagpuss, as the cat later became known, was an exact genetic duplicate of the famously saggy cloth cat from BBC's hit reality TV show of the same name.

Bagpuss next to exact genetic copy

Taking to the steps of Clarence House this morning, Edmond Hawkings-Long, speaking on behalf of Prince Charles and his son, had this to say about the headlines which appeared in the majority of Wednesdays tabloid newspaper;

“It saddens us, that despite a recent plea to be left in peace, we are forced again to deny a series of ridiculous allegations, Prince Harry in no way has links with Combat 18”

As soon as Hawkings-Long realised his mistake he simply added that the stories of cloning were also 'nonsense'.

Despite pressure from the attending reporters, Hawkings-Long refused to answer any further questions regarding Cloning or Prince Harry's association with any right-wing organisations.

Harry watches match with 'chums'

This is not however, the first time that controversy has surrounded the genetic linage of Prince William.

In 2001, Dr Emma Pursow, Head of Human Sciences at Lincoln Technology college suggested that the egg from which Prince William was produced had been ‘gene-washed’ prior to insemination.

‘Gene-washing’ is a process whereby a cell can have certain genetic markers removed prior to re-insemination into the womb. It has become popular in recent years with parents wishing to remove any 'chavvie' characteristics from their child prior to it's birth.

Dr Pursow claimed that the 'gene-washing' of Prince William had been done at the behest of the Royal Family and, the then Conservative Government, headed by ex-Formula One Champion. Nigel Mansell.

The ‘gene- washing’, Dr Pursow claims, was a specific attempt to rid the future heir to the crown of any of his mothers more anti-social tendencies.

Speaking to Le Monde Magazine in 2002, Pursow explained “Diana’s so-called tendencies were, according to the Tories and Royals, drinking vast amounts of ultra strong, and ultra cheap larger and smoking ‘crack-cocaine’"

Purso continues, “Apparently the Princess's most undesirable tendency of all, in the eyes of the Windsor family, was an ability to empathise, and have compassion for those in less privileged positions”.

In light of Dr Pursow’s allegations a statement was made by Donald Penwarden, Official Advisor at the time to Prince Charles. Penwarden said of the alleged ‘gene-washing’;

“It’s patently ridiculous to suggest that Prince Williams DNA was tinkered with in anyway, and his unending work with London’s riff raff proves the allegations are simply piffle”.

Big Willy discovers 'booby-trapped' curry

Following Clarence House’s statement a series of photo opportunities were hastily arranged showing Prince William, or 'Big Willy' as the UK tabloid press affectionately nicknamed him, serving food at the Kentish Town soup kitchen, exterminating unwanted puppies at Battersea Dogs home, and most famously of all, providing love and support for battered women of abusive husbands.

In fact it was during his time working at The Sutton Coldfield Woman’s Refugee, that the young Prince met and began dating Jade Goody (37) (former star of BBC’s celebrated Mastermind programme).

Within just six months of their whirlwhind romance, Goody would accept Big Willy’s offer of marriage.

The couple are still engaged and due to be married in August this year, following Ms Goody’s Decree Absolute from current husband and ‘toubled’ musician, Pete Doherty (15).

Goody: Princess of Wales one day?

Goody was asked to comment on today’s story during a recording of the popular satirical news quiz ‘What’s the story, morning glory?’.
Jade Goody has been presenting the show since the tragic murder-suicide of original host Robert Robinson in September 2002.

Goody said that the suggestions of cloning were; ‘cobblers’, she went onto add that the alleged links between the Royal family and a German ancestry were ‘racialist in the extreme’.

Despite the recent stories surrounding both William and Princess Diana, Buckingham Palace has remained silent, with no official statement yet being made.

Prince William is still scheduled to open a hostel for former stars of the Channel 4 show, Big Brother, later this week.

Related articles;

"Princess is still dead", say Royals

Singer Robbie Williams: Not Suicide - claim Police

2005-02-23T02:22:00.000Z

Robbie: as he looks today

New Scotland Yard today confirmed that the recent speculation surrounding the coroners report in to the botched ‘fake-suicide’ attempt of popular singer Robbie Williams was in fact incorrect. And that Williams (31) was actually the ninth victim of serial murder, ‘Cause Celeb’.

'Cause Celeb' is the name that has been given to the notorious celebrity murderer by the UK tabloid press.

The coroner who carried out the inquest into Williams’s death, Dr. Julie Fox, made a brief statement shortly after the Police contradicted her verdict.

“I’d seen Williams perform a few months earlier”; Dr Fox said reading from a prepared statement, “Judging by the mess he was in then, I just assumed he must have done himself in”.

When asked what had lead Police to believe the suicide was in fact murder, Chief Inspector Ron McNulty admitted that they had been initially satisfied with Dr Fox’s verdict, despite the wide spread coverage in the media to the contrary.

“It was only after we received William’s right index finger in the post”, McNulty explained, “that we began to suspect there was more to it than simply Robbie accidentally topping himself”.

The missing digit, turns up

It appears that despite Williams body lacking a finger, when it was discovered by his houseboy Chico, DI Larry Kilfoyle, the Investigating Officer at the time, decided not to take the investigation any farther, because as he later put it, ‘it was probably nothing’.

Both DI Kilfoyle and Dr Julie Fox are currently suspended from their respective duties following further review.

Williams biological half-brother, and former MP to the Labour party, Robin Cook was outraged at this recent turn of events, “There has been a spectacular and systematic failing here, by both the Stoke on Trent Police and Coroners Office” Cook said before adding “As a representative for Rob’s family I demand more Dalziel and Pascoe and less Starsky and Hutch, although, in the first instance we could have done with a bit more Amanda Redman.”

Cook has continuously been an outspoken critic of the initial verdict. When interviewed in NME last week, regarding Williams death, Cook said Williams would never have let himself die in such a state, especially to be discovered in the bathroom with his “skid marked pants around his ankles and half a Ginsters in his gob” with Cook adding “he was far too much in love with himself for that”.

With Williams finger turning up in the post, Police now strongly believe there is a link between his death and the deaths of eight other celebrities that have been reported over the past six weeks.

These deaths include another ‘formally famous’ Pop star and ‘gay’, Will Young, the presenter of the Channel 4 flagship ‘youth’ magazine show, Eamonn Holmes and Homebase yachts person, Dame Ellen MacArthur, presumably also ‘gay’.

Ellen with 'pink' world

“If we do have a serial killer on our hands with a penchant for famous folk, I would advise any minor or major celeb active in the UK today, to think twice before going into work” McNulty said.

“You need to ask yourself the question, is it really worth getting my face on Telly, only to later have it sliced off, and sent to the Daily Mail in an A5 envelope by some sicko” He added.

The ‘Cause Celeb’ case is still an open and ongoing Police investigation.

Channel 4 confirms DRBB 2

2005-02-22T22:24:00.000Z

Following intense negotiations between Channel 4 and Mark Canttrell, creator of Death Row Big Brother, Channel 4 announced today, that a deal had been struck and the second series of the hit, extreme reality TV game show, would be going ahead just weeks after the dramatic finale of the current series, which is scheduled to air this Friday.

When asked if the new series of DRBB would be ‘toned down’, in light of almost ‘World Wide’ condemnation of the show, Peter Dubois, Head of Channel 4 Programming said;

“No fucking way! If anything, expect more violence, more debauchery, more death and more must see TV than you can possibly imagine. It’s gonna make your fuckin’ TV haemorrhage”,

The DRBB production company ‘Abortion Tickles’, official website, reported the news in a somewhat, more sedate manner. A single line statement read;

“In four weeks time another ten contestants will be selected from Prisons around the country to face the challenge of their lifetime”.

Almost immediately following Channel 4’s announcement of DRBB2, speculation grew throughout the media that the new series would feature such outlandish events as, ‘instant death’, weekly challenges, ‘firing squad’, executions, comprised of the relatives of contestants victims. And most controversially of all, the inclusion of at least one multiple convicted Paedophile.

The Sun newspaper, who claim the ‘Paedophile’ story as a world exclusive, go on to inform its readership that this will be;

“…despite the fact that the chosen sicko kiddie fiddler, is not currently facing the death penalty”, they continue, “that is of course, until they enter the DRBB house”.

The Sun suggested on it’s front-page late edition, that it will personally lobby Canttrell and his production team for a future series of DRBB to featuring only Paedophiles.

The Suns Editor James Watts remarked in his editorial that the Suns backing of such a TV programme is simple;

“We need to wipe this scum from our glorious nation and from existence. If we can get some good telly out of it whilst we do it, where’s the harm?”.

At this time any additions to the DRBB format remain unsubstantiated.

Despite all such wild conjecture, Mark Canttrell and his production team are remaining notoriously tight lipped on the subject, suggesting if you want to know what to expect from DRBB2 make sure you tune into this Fridays finale.

As Canttell himself put it, with characteristic understatement;

“It’s going to be worth watching”.

For further articles regarding DRBB;

Official site: Death Row Big Brother

"Princess Di still dead", say Royals

2005-02-22T22:23:00.000Z

BREAKING NEWS: After weeks of mounting press speculation, Clarence House has made an official statement regarding the recent claims of sightings of Princess Diana in Clacton-on-Sea, Essex.

The brief statement was delivered on behalf of Prince Charles by his chief advisor, Edmond Hawkings-Long, to an amassed crowd of journalists and well-wishers.

“Despite all our hope that the rumour of Princess Diana’s resurrection from the dead, were true, sadly we must make it clear that it is not. Prince Charles, Princes William and Prince Harry, appreciate your kind thoughts regarding Princess Diana, but ask that you honour their request for this matter to now come to an end”

After making the statement, Hawkings-Long refused to be drawn further on the matter.

Princess Diana of Wales, just moments before tragedy.

Princess Diana, England's Rose, was killed in 1998 during a tour of war torn Angola, when a publicity walkabout to raise the awareness of the wide spread use of hidden Antipersonnel charges, in a landmine field, went disastrously wrong.

Both Princess Diana and her close personal aid, Paul Burrell were instantly killed when Burrell accidentally stepped on a 'Bouncing Betty', the landmine favoured by the German army during World War 2.

Burrell was running to give the Princess a bottle of Evian at the time.

Evian went onto use the footage of the tragedy in their controversial advertising campaign, which ran the slogan;

Evian: Don’t die of thirst.

beneath an image of both Princess Diana and Burrell exploding in a cloud of deadly shrapnel and body parts.

The Chairman, Robin Anderson and Marketing Director, Floyd Matthews, both of Evian UK were subsequently 'lynched', by a mob of outraged 'Diana mourners', and self proclaimed 'humanitarians', following an ill-advised press conference held by Evian UK in Kensington Gardens, designed to explain and justify the advertisement.

To this day no one has been charged with their murders.

It is believed that these recent rumours of Princess Diana's miraculous reappearance in Essex, were first brought to the attention of the UK tabloid press by web-logger or ‘blogger’, Kenneth Critchlow (14) of Winston-Salem, North Carolina, on his renowned conspiracy blogsite; ‘It’s all lies. blogspot’.

Glenda Handtree, Head of Monarchy Studies at East Anglia Polytechnic, claims that these stores are a direct result of the recent announcement that Prince Charles (58) and his long-term companion and ‘fuck buddy’, Wendy Richards (72) star of ‘Eastenders’ and ‘The New Avengers’, are engaged to be married.

Charles and Wendy, the happy couple.

“It’s a backlash to what many believe is a deeply inappropriate union”, Handtree goes onto explain, “especially in light of the current on-going investigation into the double homicide of Charles brothers, Andrew and the other one”.

However, despite this recent event at Buckingham Palace, Charles and Wendy are still set to be married at Windsor Castle on July 3rd of this year, in front of a congregation composed of friends and family, including controversial ‘Goth rock’ performer Marilyn Manson. (real name Pee Wee Herman) and TV ‘funny man’ Jimmy Carr.

As recently as last month, the youngest son of Princess Diana, Prince Harry, also known affectionately in the press as;

The Half Blood Prince,

due to the revelations in 2001 that Harry’s biological father was not Prince Charles but Mick Hucknell of super group 'Simply Red', made a statement regarding the alleged sightings of his mother, during an 'exclusive' Ku Klux Klan rally he was holding at Highgate Castle;

A son and his father.

“Mother was very broad minded when it came to belief systems", Harry told AC Press, "and it would certainly not surprise me, if during her last trip to Haiti in 1996, she had made an arrangement with a Voodoo Priest to raise her from the dead in the event of her death”.

Prince Harry went on to explain that as long as she came back from the dead without an ounce of ‘coloured’ in her, he’d have no objection to reforming his ‘mother/ son’ bond with her.

Although initially Princes William and Harry were said to be delighted at the reports that their mother was living a secret life as single parent of three on a new ‘Barrett home’ housing estate in Clacton. The announcement today may at last begin to lay to rest the spectre of their beloved mum, Princess Diana or as she’s known in Clacton-on-Sea, Tracey Goggins.

Although Ms Wendy Richards will officially be Princess of Wales she will not be called ‘Mummy’ by the Princes due to sensitivities involved, she will simply be known as 'Pauline'.

Singer Robbie Williams Dies at 31

2005-02-22T22:22:00.000Z

Williams in 2002, already looking 'well rough'

BREAKING NEWS: It was revealed today that Singer Robbie Williams, best known as the fat, lazy, self obsessed dog, Dougal in the 2005 film ‘The Magic Roundabout’, died on Sunday morning at his home in Stoke on Trent,

Williams was just 31.

The singer is reported to have died as a result of a botched ‘fake suicide’ attempt.

It appears Williams, who has bravely faced an ongoing battle with depression caused by 'not being as famous as he was a few years ago', attempted to stage a ‘fake suicide' to regain the ‘big light of lovely fame’, as Williams himself often described it.

Williams’s body was found hunched over a bottle of ‘Dettol’ and a half finished ‘Ginsters’ pasty, on the bathroom floor of his Stoke on Trent flat, located above ‘The Great Plaice’ fish bar. His secret Taiwanese mail order bride, Maurice discovered the expired Williams in the early houses of Sunday morning.

Police have denied claims that Williams is in fact the ninth victim of notorious celebrity serial killer dubbed, ‘Cause Celeb’ by London’s tabloid newspapers.

Recent suicides ascribed to ‘Cause Celeb’, include ‘Shock’ radio DJ Chris Moyles, popular children’s book writer JK Rowling, satirist Chris Morris and Big Brother winner Brian Dowling.

Williams was only nine years old when he was plucked from the malls of ‘The Potteries Shopping Centre’, in Hanley, Staffs, to become more commonly known as the ‘funny one’ in chart topping UK boy band ‘Take That’.

Two short years later, he would be skyrocketed to fame with the help of three very successful cover songs.

Poptastic duo - Agapoo, inspire Williams

The punk rock classic ‘Too Drunk to Fuck’, originally recorded by San Francisco bay area’s, Dead Kennedys. ‘Agadoo’, the smash hit party song by Black Lace.

And the third, which cemented the band reputation as the finest all male, singing group of the century, a sterling rendition of ‘The Smiths’ lesser-known B-Side ‘How Soon is Now’.

‘How Soon is Now’, featured the unforgettable sound of Williams’ own voice replacing the ‘woo, woo’ guitar intro originally created by musician Johnny Marr.

As recently as last month, Johnny Marr, who was presenting an award at the 2005 Winalot New Music Awards, for the best UK indie haircut (won by Bloc Party bassist Owen Lars) had this to say of the now legendary cover;

“First time I heard it I felt like smashing my instruments to pieces. William had a voice which was just that much better than anything I could ever hope to produce with wood and strings and that”

In fact many have speculated that ‘The Smiths’, enigmatic lead singer Morrissey’s self imposed exile to Latvia in 2001 may have been the direct result of Take That’s phenomenal cover.

However, despite this success with Take That, Williams soon tired of carrying his fellow band mates; Michael Flatley, Ryan Adams, John Mccririck and fellow song writer Conor ‘Bright Eyes’ Oberst, who himself launched a faltering solo career with the album ‘Manic Miner on a Wednesday’ earlier this year.

Williams finally quit Take That during the now notorious 1999 tour of South Africa.

Darth Vader asks Williams to 'smell the glove'

After seemingly disappearing from the pop scene for almost a year, Williams burst back into the charts with a new ‘extreme look’ comprising leather, stainless steel and a breathing system similar to that used by the villain ‘Darth Vader’ in the popular seventies children’s fantasy movie ‘Star Wars’.

“We all took one big deep breath when saw Robbie take to the stage for his first solo appearance at the Millennium Crufts show, in Battersea”, David Bowie, one time ‘revolutionary singer’, told AC Press.

“But as soon as he opened his gob, we knew that we were watching history taking place” Remarked Bowie, “and the future of history”.

Gavin Esler, news reader for the BBC’s flagship news show, ‘Newsnight’ and renowned ‘bezzie mate’ to Williams told AC Press this morning;

“The only mistake Williams ever made was agreeing to that duet with Michael Jackson. Especially during the height of Jackson’s high profile legal battle to have the right to wrestle pre-teens in his underpants”,

Esler went on to say that Jackson’s choice of song, a cover of the Luther Vandross hit ‘Let’s make love tonight’ was disastrously inappropriate.

Although critically well received, the duet was less warmly welcomed by the tabloids in the UK which claimed; “We made him, we can break him” and his loyal fan base affectionately known as ‘The Jail Bait”.

Tiny Tears, definately 'jail bait'

It was a mistake that would see Williams lambasted in the press as ‘Jackson’s stoke and poke boy’ and bottled off stage at the 2003 V: Festival in his home town of Stoke on Trent, where he received a severe concussion after being struck on the left temple by a ‘Tiny Tears’ missile, complete with battery and bottle.

2005 was to have marked a triumphant return to form for Williams who had slimmed down from 25 stone to 9 stone 7 ounces through the new celebrity crash diet of self imposed month long dysentery.

Dysentery is a disease involving the inflammation of the lining of the large intestines. The inflammation causes stomach pains and diarrhoea but also has the added benefit that it can cause rapid and extreme weight lose.

“He may have died relatively young but the truth is his best years were behind him," Former band mate Mccririck told AC Press, “It’s a painful truth, but it’s the truth none the less”.

Roundabout: Drug fuelled kiddie nightmare?

Ironically, Williams was named today as one of the five ‘best actor award’ contenders at the Oscars this year for his work in ‘The Magic Roundabout’.

Williams is survived by his son Ping Pong and two hamsters, Lucky and Loaded.