Saturday, February 26, 2005

Queen Mother is 134 today!

radiant queen mother
A 'radiant' Queen Mother today at 134.

After two weeks of rumours, speculation and denials the Royals must have sighed with relief that today’s media attention on their family was for a vastly more positive reason, for it was on this day in 1871 that mother to the Queen, The Queen Mother was born.

Although a Thursday child, the Queen Mother has achieved a great many things in her life, in particular giving birth to the future Queen of England and smiling freely in public, despite being afflicted at a very young age with rotten teeth, or as it is more commonly known, the ‘Scottish grin’.

At the astonishing age of 134, the Queen Mother is still extremely ‘flexible’, as a source close to the Windsor family put it earlier today.

In fact despite her age, the Queen Mother is still expected to ride the eight-year old, ‘Uber Alles’ owned by close personal friend Alex ‘Frank Ferdinand’ Kapranos, at next weeks Cheltenham’s Gold Cup.

However, the Queen Mothers age has become a cause of controversy over the last few years, particularly with the rise of the ‘Blogging’ community. Amongst the wildest claims the Blogger’s make, is that The Queen Mother actually died in 1981 during the Royal Gala Performance of the multi-Oscar award winning film ‘Chariots of Fire’ directed by Ken Loach.

chariots of fire
Chariots, a 'tedious' film by Ken Loach

The theory goes on to suggest that the current Queen Mother is in fact a fully automated robot double or android, very much like those caught impersonating senior politicians during the Delos scandal in 1976.

Dr Montgomery Lexington-Smith, personal physician to the Queen Mother puts her durability down to more mundane factors. Speaking on Saturday’s edition of Radio 1’s ‘Question Time’, Lexington-Smith was asked by a member of the Wormwood Scrubs audience to explain the miraculous longevity of the Queen Mother;

Lexington Smith said, “It is simply the result of a combination of her genetic stock, which is frankly, excellent and the fact that she has never had to lift a single finger for herself her whole damn life.”

He went on to say that he saw no reason why she wouldn’t go on to celebrate her second centennial, “That is of course”, he added, “unless she dies in the meantime”.

All day tributes have been flooding into Windsor Castle, The Queen Mothers home since she was ‘booted out of Buckingham Palace’ as she herself so often puts it.

Amongst the many tributes was that of Edith Bowman, who at 103 is currently the oldest work class person in Briton. Bowman has particularly fond memories of The Queen Mother during the dark days of the Second World War.


Bowman at 103 remebers Queen Mother

“At the time I remember thinking how fabulous she was because she was here, amongst the death and destruction, visiting us in our bombed out homes. It gave us a lot of comfort to know the Royal family were suffering through just like us” Bowman said before adding, “but then again, it wasn’t like the bitch actually got within ten feet of a Krout doodlebug, not like most of the poor buggers in London”.

She goes on to explain that once the sirens started the Queen Mother and her “worthless retarded blood sucking brood”, as Bowman puts it, “were down those tunnels in Buck house faster than a dachshund down a badger hole.”

Donald Gunterson, a former Butler to the Queen Mother between 1948 and 1951, described her as being an exceptionally compassionate person, remarking “she certainly thrashed me far less than her psycho husband,” adding, “I was pleased when the bastard died in ‘52”.

Unfortunately, the happy occasion has been marred slightly by Prince Harry’s comments made by during a British National Party ‘town hall’ style meeting, held today in Guildford, Surrey.

The off-the-cuff comments were captured on a microphone which Prince Harry, or as the Sun Newspaper has recently dubbed him, The Black-Shirt Prince, thought was switched off.

queen mum and vader
Darth Vader and The Queen Mother

During a conversation with the BNP leader and popular TV Presenter Dermot O’Leary, about the Queen Mother, Prince Harry can clearly be heard to remark, “The old cow just won’t die” adding “she’s more machine now than human, twisted and evil”, in a witty reference to Darth Vader, the villain of the 1970’s children’s fantasy feature film, Star Wars.

As has been well reported, there is a long running feud between the young Princes and the Queen Mother, their Great Grand Mother.

The hostility is said to stem back to a public remark made on the day of Princess Diana’s funeral by the Queen Mother. When asked by the BBC Royal correspondent Iain Lee, if the Royal family were at all surprised by the public outpouring of affection for the late Princess, the Queen Mother replied, “frankly we’re well shot of her”.

Despite this, the Queen Mother will be celebrating her birthday this evening in traditional style. Prince Philip explained what this involved during an interview on today's Channel 4’s Richard and Judy show;

“We all meet up at the Castle and have a hog roast, a knees up and a bit of sing song”.

queen mums arm
Queen mothers new arm

The public will next get an opportunity to see the Queen Mother 'in action', when she visits Moorgate Hospital in early March to have a minor operation to graft a second ‘bionic’ arm on to her existing upper body exoskeleton.

Vernon Kay on suicide watch.

Kay: battling depression, trannies and flatulence

Breaking News: Long serving Channel 4 presenter Vernon Kay, who was on the T4 sofa on the ‘youth' magazine show’s first day on air in March 1987, is tonight subject to ‘suicide watch’, at Hanwell County Psychiatric Hospital, Middlesex.

His management team said today that the 39-year-old became seriously ill on Wednesday evening.

“In a confused state Vernon Kay accidentally took 100 sleeping tablets with a bottle of Jack Daniels, which he mistook for a vitamin C tablet and a glass of organic rice water,

Fortunately, Mr Kay was able to call close friend, Mr Campbell, who subsequently arranged for an ambulance. Following Mr Kay’s stomach pump, Mr Campbell accompanied Mr Kay to the Hanwell Psychiatric hospital.

As soon as we will have more information we will let you know.” they said in a statement.

Kay’s management team went onto explain that Mr Kay was suffering from ‘exhaustion’.

A source to close to Kay, said today that Kay was in fact ‘as crazy as a loon’, and that his ‘cheeky chappie’, presenting style, belied a more trouble personality.

The source revealed that Kay’s ‘on again/ off again’ relationship with Nicky Campbell, BBC presenter of ‘Shot’em if they enter’, the home invasion themed game show, was largely to blame for his recent spate of problems.

Campbell, part of the problem?

Over the past six months, Kay has rarely been out of the tabloid press as he publicly battled both depression caused by his ‘fatuous TV persona’, as he was often heard to describe it, and a crippling addiction to Asian Transsexuals, or ‘Ladyboys’ as they are more commonly known.

It was Kay’s passion for 'palomas with plonkers,' as Kay preferred to call them, which had caused the rift between both him and Campbell. When interviewed last week in the Radio Times, Campbell said of his relationship with Kay,

“I love him dearly, but he just can’t resist anything in a short skirt and an Adams apple”

Kay originally hails from Guildford but affected a Yorkshire accent at the start of his television career.

He shot to stardom in 1985 when he appeared as Geoffrey Palmers ‘bottom double’ in the now famous, ‘hardcore’ episode of the BBC award winning Drama series ‘As Time Goes By’, which also starred Dame Judi Dench as the 'sex crazed' widower.

E4 co-presenter, and known Transsexual herself, June Sarapong, had this to say about Kay’s current situation,

“Vern’s a tough guy with a big heart, all of the team here at E4 are rooting for him, except maybe the Welsh bloke who wouldn’t mind getting in on Vern’s action if he did take a turn for the worst”,

She went on to add, “not that it’ll come to that, we hope.”

Kay is scheduled to present Channels 4’s new hard hitting current affairs documentary series, which takes a serious look at the rise of women in extremist terror organisations.

women kill
Channel 4 documentary fronted by Kay

The series entitled ‘Bombs, bullets and babes’ is due to air in March.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Countdown Vorderman dies at 63

Vorderman at last years 'Mullet Aid' Charity Benefit

TV Presenter Carol Vorderman, best known as the 'thinking mans crumpet', died late last night in Caterham General Hospital, it was announced today.

Vorderman was 63.

The 'brainy' presenter died of stephacockaliticus, a virulent viral condition that affects both the gum and the brain. Dr Heinrich Dietz, speaking this morning at a press conference held at Caterham Hospital, suggested that it was likely Vorderman contracted the condition whilst appearing on ITV's 'Celebrity Jungle Hunt' programme.

Celebrity Jungle Hunt is an extreme reality television game show which features 'washed up' or 'has been' ex-celebrities, performing a number of hazardous, and life threatening tasks in the depths of the Australian Outback.

On Tuesday, Vorderman retired early from the show after complaining of persistent neuralgia. She soon became violent ill, forcing the shows production company, Lowlife, to fly her back to the UK for immediate medical treatment.

Vorderman subsequently lapsed into a coma on Wednesday evening, from which she unfortunately never recovered.

Vorderman began her TV career as the, 'words and number girl' for Channel 4's long running 'super dull' quiz programme, Countdown. Her innate ability to string a coherent sentence together, and lean forward enough, whilst selecting letters, to reveal her ample cleavage, lent Vorderman a degree of notoriety.

Vorderman gets stuck, again

She soon became a household name following her high profile romance with US 'rock-hunk' Lenny Kravitz. Their relationship lasted 4 years only ending when Kravitz was eventually deported back to the United States, for music related crimes.

In 1999, when she was already 56, Vorderman was on the verge of being signed to present the smash hit reality TV show, "Big Brother".

However, she became dogged by press allegations that she had appeared in a number of 'inter-species' pornographic features, including the now notorious 'Charlotte's Web' and 'Tumbledown farm'.

Although Vorderman never publicly denied her involvement in the features, she did attempt to justify it by claiming the films had ‘eductional’ value.

In light of the allegations made against Vorderman, Channel 4 decided they needed a more 'respectable' public face for their Big Brother show, which lead them to hire ex-heroin addict, Davina FuCall.

Vorderman's TV career never fully recovered from this public rejection and she soon lapsed into alcoholism and heavy drug use.

Vorderman 'smacked up' on Countdown

It was whilst in a rehabilitation clinic on the Isle of Dogs, that she met David Lean, producer of Celebrity Jungle Hunt.

Lean was so impressed by Vordermans obvious desperation to regain the spotlight, that he immediately signed her for the second series of the controversial gameshow.

Interviewed recently about her involvement in Celebrity Jungle Hunt, Vorderman remarked;

"I see this as an entirely new chapter in my life. I am for the first time in years, excited about the future. It's like being reborn", she said.

Voderman is survived by 4 consonants from the top and middle row, and a vowel.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

"I am not Clone", says Prince William

wills 3
William and 'ginger' friend share a joke

Clarence House was forced again today to deny recent rumours circulating in the tabloid media regarding a key member of the Royal Family.

This follows just a few days after claims that the former Princess of Wales, Diana, had been resurrected from the dead and was now living as a single parent in Clacton on Sea.

The new allegation, that Prince William, the son of the heir to the throne, is in fact a genetic copy or 'clone', of the notorious German statesman Tomas Kuhlerman, has already been called, 'Ludicrous' by the sources close to Prince William.

wills 4
William in 2001 - Kuhlerman in 1937

Kuhlerman, a highly regarded athlete and intellectual, was the original template used by the German scientists working under the Nazi party, in their quest to create the so-called ‘Überman’. (similar to the 1960's American government ‘Superman’ project, which itself was only a partial success with the production of ‘Dogstar’ guitarist Keanu Reeves)

Kuhlerman was later revealed to have played a central part in the Nazi parties efforts to recover the 'Ark of the Covenant', which they intended to use to gain an upper hand against their allied enemies during the final years of World War 2.

The Ark of the Convenant - Where is it now?

The cloning allegation was made during a key-note speech taken by Dr Brenda Bollinger at the ‘Human Reproductive and Fetishisation International Conference’, held each year at this time in Dagenham, East London.

Dr Bollinger is the Chief Executive of the controversial genetic research institute, Clonard, based in Madrid. Spain.

She is also an outspoken advocate for human reproductive cloning.

“Its patently ridiculous that there is an international ban in place designed to restrict the cloning of human embryos” Dr Brenda Bollinger said yesterday morning during her speech, “Especially since we are in a country right now, who has a clone as the heir to the throne” she added.


Bollinger gives key-note

When speaking later during a Q&A session for the journalists, Bollinger was asked to confirm that she was making a reference to Prince William.

“Obviously, I’m speaking only of Prince William.” She confirmed, before going on to explain, “If we found out Charles and the ginger one were clones, we’d probably decided it is a bad thing after all, and give up”.

Human cloning is the process of taking DNA from a human cell, inserting this into an egg and implanting into a surrogate mother, or 'follow through whore' as they are also known.

The first successful clone was a cat produced from an adult cell, created by the Richards institute based in Belfast, Northern Ireland.

Bagpuss, as the cat later became known, was an exact genetic duplicate of the famously saggy cloth cat from BBC's hit reality TV show of the same name.


Bagpuss next to exact genetic copy

Taking to the steps of Clarence House this morning, Edmond Hawkings-Long, speaking on behalf of Prince Charles and his son, had this to say about the headlines which appeared in the majority of Wednesdays tabloid newspaper;

“It saddens us, that despite a recent plea to be left in peace, we are forced again to deny a series of ridiculous allegations, Prince Harry in no way has links with Combat 18”

As soon as Hawkings-Long realised his mistake he simply added that the stories of cloning were also 'nonsense'.

Despite pressure from the attending reporters, Hawkings-Long refused to answer any further questions regarding Cloning or Prince Harry's association with any right-wing organisations.

Harry watches match with 'chums'

This is not however, the first time that controversy has surrounded the genetic linage of Prince William.

In 2001, Dr Emma Pursow, Head of Human Sciences at Lincoln Technology college suggested that the egg from which Prince William was produced had been ‘gene-washed’ prior to insemination.

‘Gene-washing’ is a process whereby a cell can have certain genetic markers removed prior to re-insemination into the womb. It has become popular in recent years with parents wishing to remove any 'chavvie' characteristics from their child prior to it's birth.

Dr Pursow claimed that the 'gene-washing' of Prince William had been done at the behest of the Royal Family and, the then Conservative Government, headed by ex-Formula One Champion. Nigel Mansell.

The ‘gene- washing’, Dr Pursow claims, was a specific attempt to rid the future heir to the crown of any of his mothers more anti-social tendencies.

Speaking to Le Monde Magazine in 2002, Pursow explained “Diana’s so-called tendencies were, according to the Tories and Royals, drinking vast amounts of ultra strong, and ultra cheap larger and smoking ‘crack-cocaine’"

Purso continues, “Apparently the Princess's most undesirable tendency of all, in the eyes of the Windsor family, was an ability to empathise, and have compassion for those in less privileged positions”.

In light of Dr Pursow’s allegations a statement was made by Donald Penwarden, Official Advisor at the time to Prince Charles. Penwarden said of the alleged ‘gene-washing’;

“It’s patently ridiculous to suggest that Prince Williams DNA was tinkered with in anyway, and his unending work with London’s riff raff proves the allegations are simply piffle”.

Big Willy discovers 'booby-trapped' curry

Following Clarence House’s statement a series of photo opportunities were hastily arranged showing Prince William, or 'Big Willy' as the UK tabloid press affectionately nicknamed him, serving food at the Kentish Town soup kitchen, exterminating unwanted puppies at Battersea Dogs home, and most famously of all, providing love and support for battered women of abusive husbands.

In fact it was during his time working at The Sutton Coldfield Woman’s Refugee, that the young Prince met and began dating Jade Goody (37) (former star of BBC’s celebrated Mastermind programme).

Within just six months of their whirlwhind romance, Goody would accept Big Willy’s offer of marriage.

The couple are still engaged and due to be married in August this year, following Ms Goody’s Decree Absolute from current husband and ‘toubled’ musician, Pete Doherty (15).


Goody: Princess of Wales one day?

Goody was asked to comment on today’s story during a recording of the popular satirical news quiz ‘What’s the story, morning glory?’.

Jade Goody has been presenting the show since the tragic murder-suicide of original host Robert Robinson in September 2002.

Goody said that the suggestions of cloning were; ‘cobblers’, she went onto add that the alleged links between the Royal family and a German ancestry were ‘racialist in the extreme’.

Despite the recent stories surrounding both William and Princess Diana, Buckingham Palace has remained silent, with no official statement yet being made.

Prince William is still scheduled to open a hostel for former stars of the Channel 4 show, Big Brother, later this week.

Related articles;

"Princess is still dead", say Royals

Singer Robbie Williams: Not Suicide - claim Police

Robbie: as he looks today

New Scotland Yard today confirmed that the recent speculation surrounding the coroners report in to the botched ‘fake-suicide’ attempt of popular singer Robbie Williams was in fact incorrect. And that Williams (31) was actually the ninth victim of serial murder, ‘Cause Celeb’.

'Cause Celeb' is the name that has been given to the notorious celebrity murderer by the UK tabloid press.

The coroner who carried out the inquest into Williams’s death, Dr. Julie Fox, made a brief statement shortly after the Police contradicted her verdict.

“I’d seen Williams perform a few months earlier”; Dr Fox said reading from a prepared statement, “Judging by the mess he was in then, I just assumed he must have done himself in”.

When asked what had lead Police to believe the suicide was in fact murder, Chief Inspector Ron McNulty admitted that they had been initially satisfied with Dr Fox’s verdict, despite the wide spread coverage in the media to the contrary.

“It was only after we received William’s right index finger in the post”, McNulty explained, “that we began to suspect there was more to it than simply Robbie accidentally topping himself”.

The missing digit, turns up

It appears that despite Williams body lacking a finger, when it was discovered by his houseboy Chico, DI Larry Kilfoyle, the Investigating Officer at the time, decided not to take the investigation any farther, because as he later put it, ‘it was probably nothing’.

Both DI Kilfoyle and Dr Julie Fox are currently suspended from their respective duties following further review.

Williams biological half-brother, and former MP to the Labour party, Robin Cook was outraged at this recent turn of events, “There has been a spectacular and systematic failing here, by both the Stoke on Trent Police and Coroners Office” Cook said before adding “As a representative for Rob’s family I demand more Dalziel and Pascoe and less Starsky and Hutch, although, in the first instance we could have done with a bit more Amanda Redman.”

Cook has continuously been an outspoken critic of the initial verdict. When interviewed in NME last week, regarding Williams death, Cook said Williams would never have let himself die in such a state, especially to be discovered in the bathroom with his “skid marked pants around his ankles and half a Ginsters in his gob” with Cook adding “he was far too much in love with himself for that”.

With Williams finger turning up in the post, Police now strongly believe there is a link between his death and the deaths of eight other celebrities that have been reported over the past six weeks.

These deaths include another ‘formally famous’ Pop star and ‘gay’, Will Young, the presenter of the Channel 4 flagship ‘youth’ magazine show, Eamonn Holmes and Homebase yachts person, Dame Ellen MacArthur, presumably also ‘gay’.

Ellen with 'pink' world

“If we do have a serial killer on our hands with a penchant for famous folk, I would advise any minor or major celeb active in the UK today, to think twice before going into work” McNulty said.

“You need to ask yourself the question, is it really worth getting my face on Telly, only to later have it sliced off, and sent to the Daily Mail in an A5 envelope by some sicko” He added.

The ‘Cause Celeb’ case is still an open and ongoing Police investigation.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Channel 4 confirms DRBB 2

bb 5 eye

Following intense negotiations between Channel 4 and Mark Canttrell, creator of Death Row Big Brother, Channel 4 announced today, that a deal had been struck and the second series of the hit, extreme reality TV game show, would be going ahead just weeks after the dramatic finale of the current series, which is scheduled to air this Friday.

When asked if the new series of DRBB would be ‘toned down’, in light of almost ‘World Wide’ condemnation of the show, Peter Dubois, Head of Channel 4 Programming said;

“No fucking way! If anything, expect more violence, more debauchery, more death and more must see TV than you can possibly imagine. It’s gonna make your fuckin’ TV haemorrhage”,

The DRBB production company ‘Abortion Tickles’, official website, reported the news in a somewhat, more sedate manner. A single line statement read;

“In four weeks time another ten contestants will be selected from Prisons around the country to face the challenge of their lifetime”.

Almost immediately following Channel 4’s announcement of DRBB2, speculation grew throughout the media that the new series would feature such outlandish events as, ‘instant death’, weekly challenges, ‘firing squad’, executions, comprised of the relatives of contestants victims. And most controversially of all, the inclusion of at least one multiple convicted Paedophile.

The Sun newspaper, who claim the ‘Paedophile’ story as a world exclusive, go on to inform its readership that this will be;

“…despite the fact that the chosen sicko kiddie fiddler, is not currently facing the death penalty”, they continue, “that is of course, until they enter the DRBB house”.

The Sun suggested on it’s front-page late edition, that it will personally lobby Canttrell and his production team for a future series of DRBB to featuring only Paedophiles.

The Suns Editor James Watts remarked in his editorial that the Suns backing of such a TV programme is simple;

“We need to wipe this scum from our glorious nation and from existence. If we can get some good telly out of it whilst we do it, where’s the harm?”.

At this time any additions to the DRBB format remain unsubstantiated.

Despite all such wild conjecture, Mark Canttrell and his production team are remaining notoriously tight lipped on the subject, suggesting if you want to know what to expect from DRBB2 make sure you tune into this Fridays finale.

As Canttell himself put it, with characteristic understatement;

“It’s going to be worth watching”.

For further articles regarding DRBB;

Official site: Death Row Big Brother

"Princess Di still dead", say Royals

BREAKING NEWS: After weeks of mounting press speculation, Clarence House has made an official statement regarding the recent claims of sightings of Princess Diana in Clacton-on-Sea, Essex.

The brief statement was delivered on behalf of Prince Charles by his chief advisor, Edmond Hawkings-Long, to an amassed crowd of journalists and well-wishers.

“Despite all our hope that the rumour of Princess Diana’s resurrection from the dead, were true, sadly we must make it clear that it is not. Prince Charles, Princes William and Prince Harry, appreciate your kind thoughts regarding Princess Diana, but ask that you honour their request for this matter to now come to an end”

After making the statement, Hawkings-Long refused to be drawn further on the matter.

Princess Diana of Wales, just moments before tragedy.

Princess Diana, England's Rose, was killed in 1998 during a tour of war torn Angola, when a publicity walkabout to raise the awareness of the wide spread use of hidden Antipersonnel charges, in a landmine field, went disastrously wrong.

Both Princess Diana and her close personal aid, Paul Burrell were instantly killed when Burrell accidentally stepped on a 'Bouncing Betty', the landmine favoured by the German army during World War 2.

Burrell was running to give the Princess a bottle of Evian at the time.

Evian went onto use the footage of the tragedy in their controversial advertising campaign, which ran the slogan;

Evian: Don’t die of thirst.

beneath an image of both Princess Diana and Burrell exploding in a cloud of deadly shrapnel and body parts.

The Chairman, Robin Anderson and Marketing Director, Floyd Matthews, both of Evian UK were subsequently 'lynched', by a mob of outraged 'Diana mourners', and self proclaimed 'humanitarians', following an ill-advised press conference held by Evian UK in Kensington Gardens, designed to explain and justify the advertisement.

To this day no one has been charged with their murders.

It is believed that these recent rumours of Princess Diana's miraculous reappearance in Essex, were first brought to the attention of the UK tabloid press by web-logger or ‘blogger’, Kenneth Critchlow (14) of Winston-Salem, North Carolina, on his renowned conspiracy blogsite; ‘It’s all lies. blogspot’.

Glenda Handtree, Head of Monarchy Studies at East Anglia Polytechnic, claims that these stores are a direct result of the recent announcement that Prince Charles (58) and his long-term companion and ‘fuck buddy’, Wendy Richards (72) star of ‘Eastenders’ and ‘The New Avengers’, are engaged to be married.

happy couple
Charles and Wendy, the happy couple.

“It’s a backlash to what many believe is a deeply inappropriate union”, Handtree goes onto explain, “especially in light of the current on-going investigation into the double homicide of Charles brothers, Andrew and the other one”.

However, despite this recent event at Buckingham Palace, Charles and Wendy are still set to be married at Windsor Castle on July 3rd of this year, in front of a congregation composed of friends and family, including controversial ‘Goth rock’ performer Marilyn Manson. (real name Pee Wee Herman) and TV ‘funny man’ Jimmy Carr.

As recently as last month, the youngest son of Princess Diana, Prince Harry, also known affectionately in the press as;

The Half Blood Prince,

due to the revelations in 2001 that Harry’s biological father was not Prince Charles but Mick Hucknell of super group 'Simply Red', made a statement regarding the alleged sightings of his mother, during an 'exclusive' Ku Klux Klan rally he was holding at Highgate Castle;

harry hucknell
A son and his father.

“Mother was very broad minded when it came to belief systems", Harry told AC Press, "and it would certainly not surprise me, if during her last trip to Haiti in 1996, she had made an arrangement with a Voodoo Priest to raise her from the dead in the event of her death”.

Prince Harry went on to explain that as long as she came back from the dead without an ounce of ‘coloured’ in her, he’d have no objection to reforming his ‘mother/ son’ bond with her.

Although initially Princes William and Harry were said to be delighted at the reports that their mother was living a secret life as single parent of three on a new ‘Barrett home’ housing estate in Clacton. The announcement today may at last begin to lay to rest the spectre of their beloved mum, Princess Diana or as she’s known in Clacton-on-Sea, Tracey Goggins.

Although Ms Wendy Richards will officially be Princess of Wales she will not be called ‘Mummy’ by the Princes due to sensitivities involved, she will simply be known as 'Pauline'.

Singer Robbie Williams Dies at 31

Williams in 2002, already looking 'well rough'

BREAKING NEWS: It was revealed today that Singer Robbie Williams, best known as the fat, lazy, self obsessed dog, Dougal in the 2005 film ‘The Magic Roundabout’, died on Sunday morning at his home in Stoke on Trent,

Williams was just 31.

The singer is reported to have died as a result of a botched ‘fake suicide’ attempt.

It appears Williams, who has bravely faced an ongoing battle with depression caused by 'not being as famous as he was a few years ago', attempted to stage a ‘fake suicide' to regain the ‘big light of lovely fame’, as Williams himself often described it.

Williams’s body was found hunched over a bottle of ‘Dettol’ and a half finished ‘Ginsters’ pasty, on the bathroom floor of his Stoke on Trent flat, located above ‘The Great Plaice’ fish bar. His secret Taiwanese mail order bride, Maurice discovered the expired Williams in the early houses of Sunday morning.

Police have denied claims that Williams is in fact the ninth victim of notorious celebrity serial killer dubbed, ‘Cause Celeb’ by London’s tabloid newspapers.

Recent suicides ascribed to ‘Cause Celeb’, include ‘Shock’ radio DJ Chris Moyles, popular children’s book writer JK Rowling, satirist Chris Morris and Big Brother winner Brian Dowling.

Williams was only nine years old when he was plucked from the malls of ‘The Potteries Shopping Centre’, in Hanley, Staffs, to become more commonly known as the ‘funny one’ in chart topping UK boy band ‘Take That’.

Two short years later, he would be skyrocketed to fame with the help of three very successful cover songs.

Poptastic duo - Agapoo, inspire Williams

The punk rock classic ‘Too Drunk to Fuck’, originally recorded by San Francisco bay area’s, Dead Kennedys. ‘Agadoo’, the smash hit party song by Black Lace.

And the third, which cemented the band reputation as the finest all male, singing group of the century, a sterling rendition of ‘The Smiths’ lesser-known B-Side ‘How Soon is Now’.

‘How Soon is Now’, featured the unforgettable sound of Williams’ own voice replacing the ‘woo, woo’ guitar intro originally created by musician Johnny Marr.

As recently as last month, Johnny Marr, who was presenting an award at the 2005 Winalot New Music Awards, for the best UK indie haircut (won by Bloc Party bassist Owen Lars) had this to say of the now legendary cover;

“First time I heard it I felt like smashing my instruments to pieces. William had a voice which was just that much better than anything I could ever hope to produce with wood and strings and that”

In fact many have speculated that ‘The Smiths’, enigmatic lead singer Morrissey’s self imposed exile to Latvia in 2001 may have been the direct result of Take That’s phenomenal cover.

However, despite this success with Take That, Williams soon tired of carrying his fellow band mates; Michael Flatley, Ryan Adams, John Mccririck and fellow song writer Conor ‘Bright Eyes’ Oberst, who himself launched a faltering solo career with the album ‘Manic Miner on a Wednesday’ earlier this year.

Williams finally quit Take That during the now notorious 1999 tour of South Africa.

Darth Vader asks Williams to 'smell the glove'

After seemingly disappearing from the pop scene for almost a year, Williams burst back into the charts with a new ‘extreme look’ comprising leather, stainless steel and a breathing system similar to that used by the villain ‘Darth Vader’ in the popular seventies children’s fantasy movie ‘Star Wars’.

“We all took one big deep breath when saw Robbie take to the stage for his first solo appearance at the Millennium Crufts show, in Battersea”, David Bowie, one time ‘revolutionary singer’, told AC Press.

“But as soon as he opened his gob, we knew that we were watching history taking place” Remarked Bowie, “and the future of history”.

Gavin Esler, news reader for the BBC’s flagship news show, ‘Newsnight’ and renowned ‘bezzie mate’ to Williams told AC Press this morning;

“The only mistake Williams ever made was agreeing to that duet with Michael Jackson. Especially during the height of Jackson’s high profile legal battle to have the right to wrestle pre-teens in his underpants”,

Esler went on to say that Jackson’s choice of song, a cover of the Luther Vandross hit ‘Let’s make love tonight’ was disastrously inappropriate.

Although critically well received, the duet was less warmly welcomed by the tabloids in the UK which claimed; “We made him, we can break him” and his loyal fan base affectionately known as ‘The Jail Bait”.

Tiny Tears, definately 'jail bait'

It was a mistake that would see Williams lambasted in the press as ‘Jackson’s stoke and poke boy’ and bottled off stage at the 2003 V: Festival in his home town of Stoke on Trent, where he received a severe concussion after being struck on the left temple by a ‘Tiny Tears’ missile, complete with battery and bottle.

2005 was to have marked a triumphant return to form for Williams who had slimmed down from 25 stone to 9 stone 7 ounces through the new celebrity crash diet of self imposed month long dysentery.

Dysentery is a disease involving the inflammation of the lining of the large intestines. The inflammation causes stomach pains and diarrhoea but also has the added benefit that it can cause rapid and extreme weight lose.

“He may have died relatively young but the truth is his best years were behind him," Former band mate Mccririck told AC Press, “It’s a painful truth, but it’s the truth none the less”.

Roundabout: Drug fuelled kiddie nightmare?

Ironically, Williams was named today as one of the five ‘best actor award’ contenders at the Oscars this year for his work in ‘The Magic Roundabout’.

Williams is survived by his son Ping Pong and two hamsters, Lucky and Loaded.