Friday, March 04, 2005

BBC's Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge kicks off!

cec final 1
CEC: The final line up - Only one will be alive in 10 weeks time.

Millions of viewers tuned in last night to watch the first live broadcast from the BBC’s new flagship game show, Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge.

Described by the Guardians media correspondent, Duncan Dooley as, “a cross between Big Bother, Celebrity Jungle Hunt and Oscar winning movie, Million Dollar Baby, but with less boxing,” the show is the BBC’s attempt to recapture viewers lost to the phenomenally successful Channel 4 show, Death Row Big Bother.

Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge pits 10 celebrities in a ‘hospital style’ studio, who will over the course of the 10 week run engage in a series of challenges against one another.

Each week the celebrity with the lowest cumulative score will be ‘put down’ by one of the shows trained ‘Doctors of Death’, as they are already known by the tabloid press.

The celebrity facing demise, will, as an alternative to forcibly being killed, be encouraged to commit suicide in a method of his or her own choosing. It is suggested this will act as a means of making their final moments more dignified, and according to Mutilated Child, the shows producers, boost ratings.

The winner of the show, the surviving celebrity will be award £250k and a chance to present the second, inevitable series of the show. The presenter for this series is Carol Smiley, who at one time was rumoured to be appearing as a contestant herself.

The identities of the 10 selected celebrities, have until now been kept a secret, although Gail Porter, Johnny Vaughan and Gareth Gates were revealed in the pre-show publicity.

Although only 9 celebrities are currently listed as appearing, (not including the Hamilton’s who count as one) when pressed on this Mutilated Child said, “All will become clearer in the course of the show, so stay tuned”.

Anyone of the celebrities who need to escape from the situation for a while can consult a psychotherapist, or go to a special “consultants room” to speak directly to the viewers.

During the social experiment, tasks will be set by the producers to balance the mood of the situation in the house, and hopeful intensify it.

If the producers of this show have learnt anything from Channel 4’ Death Row Big Brother it is that people will eventually turn off after 48 hours of nothing happening. (Although this is still a very tiny percentage of viewers)

The BBC science editor Gavin Henshaw said: "This will allow us to explore different aspects of their personalities.

"Some of the challenges will involve fighting, leadership skills, co-operation, and blatant physical abuse and so on”

Success in completing challenges will be rewarded with points which can buy extra food or luxuries such as alcohol, but ultimately save their lives.

Comparisons to the smash hit Channel 4 show are inevitable, however producer Lance Hewitt was far from ambivalent regarding the similarity,

Blue Peter
'Blue' Peter, former presenters including Fielding, all dead now sadly.

“Tell me, what would you rather watch, some thick, uneducated, unappealing shell of a man being hung, or John Leslie slitting his own wrists in a bath whilst reminiscing about the time he ‘banged’ Yvette Fielding and Catherine Zeta Jones in a three way on the set of Blue Peter?”

Hewitt said, before adding, “I know what I’m going to be watching.”

Thursday, March 03, 2005

UK Prime Minister punches US President

WORLD NEWS: An international row has erupted today following yesterdays meeting between Prime Minister Gordon Ramsay and US President George Bush, which ended with Ramsay ‘laying out’ the President in a single punch.

The PM sez: Come on Bush, if you think you're hard enough!

Described by the Guardian newspaper this morning as the biggest blow for US/ UK relations in history, the incident occurred when Ramsay took offence to Bush’s remark, describing Britain as,

“A nation of kiddie fiddling, pinko Satanists who need a strong hand from a God fearing man, not a jumped up Soux chef with a potty mouth”.

Speaking later at a hastily organised press conference, Ramsay told reporters that he simply had had enough of the bullying tactics consistently employed by Bush and his Government,

“I’d come to the end of my tether,” Ramsay said, “If he’d pulled that shit in one of my kitchens I’d have done more than clock the cunt”

Ramsay went on to say that he had no regrets for what he had done, and that if Bush had a problem with it, “he knows where to find me.”

The President and his team immediately flew back to the states, and have now begun to recall all ambassadors from UK embassies,

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said this morning,

“He (Ramsay) is in serious need of help regarding his anger management issues” before adding, “Ramsay struck Bush when Bush had his back turned, otherwise Bush would have had that snivelling limp wrist Brit no problem.”

Relations between the US and the UK have become increasingly fractious over the past two years following the US invasion of Northern Ireland, one of the ‘Axis of evil’ powers and ‘harbour of terrorists’, as described by Bush.

Dr Lilly Lipgay of Brighton University regards the invasion and current occupation of Northern Ireland as, “the logical conclusion to the US war on terror.”

Lipgay also suggested that Ramsay’s attack on Bush could possibly do more good than harm, “America is simply not liked in the world, but they are the only super power. You can attack them with bombs and bullets, killing soldiers and civilians, but it never really harms the decision makers. What Ramsay did was humiliate their President, and in effect their government, and that is where the real focus of world hatred lies, not the America people.”

Jamie Oliver, Education Minister, and former chef put it more bluntly,

“No one dislikes the ordinary yanks, we just hate that monkey puppet in power and all his cronies. Gordon clocking him one in the mush was sweet as a nut.”

It was expected that Ramsay would today face a call for his resignation when he attended Prime Ministers questions in the commons, however all Ramsay actually faced was a standing ovation from fellow MPs.

“It was like that scene in Love, actually,” said opposition leader Delia Smith, “ Except Ramsay got to lamp the retard gimp, and it didn’t make you feel physically sick to sit through it”

Internationally, it appears Ramsay’s actions have met with similar praise. With promises of support coming from as far a field as Iran, Australia, North Korea, Japan, Italy, Germany and Russia.

It also appears that the incident has brought the UK closers to it’s nearest neighbour France, with French Prime Minister Jean Reno commenting, “I wished that I had hit him, especially when he asked why France was so gay. Bless Mr Ramsay, he has made a strike for the world”.

Bush: Moments after the assault, clearly not amused.

Zeth Mongoloid of the Washington Post believes this incident presents a significant challenge for the Bush Presidency, “If Bush comes out and condemns Ramsay, he only reconfirms his arrogance and further isolates the US from the rest of world. If he is contrite, it will be perceived as weakness in the eyes of the American people and destabilise his standing as a tough and effective leader.”

Mongoloid added, “Ramsay’s lucky he didn’t pull that bullshit here, because as you know we love our guns, and we love to use them as an inappropriate response to a minor threat”.

President Bush is expected to make a statement regarding the incident later today. What he will say is currently unknown, what is expected however, is a huge black shiner to be covering his right eye.

Porter and Vaughan both sign up for Euthanasia

cec porter
Porter: Sadly effected by big head, small body syndrome

BBC One revealed today that the TV presenters, Gail Porter and ‘jail bird’ Johnny Vaughan, are both confirmed for the forthcoming extreme reality game show, Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge.

Porter (15) became notorious as the ‘Parliament flaps girl’, following a publicity stunt staged by ‘lads’ magazine ‘Erection’, in which her spread open legs were projected onto the Houses of Parliament.

Although this in many people’s eyes was bad enough, matters were made worse when it became clear that her vagina covered the members’ entrance to the house, prompting the BBC Radio 4 satirical news quiz show to quip,

“It was the first time that anyone could recall Peter Mandelson entering a woman, the same could not be said of course for Glenda Jackson,”

Vaughan (46) is the ‘TV Presenter with a past’ as the tabloid newspapers quickly dubbed him when he first appeared on UK screens in 1999. The past turned out to be a ten-year jail sentence for armed robbery and the manslaughter of 12-year-old Nikki Peters, during the getaway. Vaughan’s introduction to the UK audiences on Channel 4’s popular breakfast show, ‘Up at the crack’, provoked outrage in the Commons. Forcing the then home secretary Rod Hull MP to comment,

“He (Vaughan) has served his sentence and is now fully rehabilitated. If he is restricted from pursuing a career based a crime he has paid for, then what message does this send out about UK justice?”

When Hull was challenged regarding Vaughan’s alleged drug use following his release from prison, Hull responded,

“Surely a drug habit is a requisite for Television, not a barrier to it?”

CEC Vaughan
Vaughan: Just effected by a big head

It is certainly the case that both Vaughan and Porter have seen better days. However their inclusion into a show that promises at least nine celebrity deaths over five weeks will undoubtedly further raise its profile.

Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge will need to have the highest profile possible as it goes head to head with the ratings juggernaut that is Death Row Big Brother in little over a weeks time.

For more on Death Row Big Brother click here.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Quiz presenter Paul Ross dies at 58

Ross: His failure as a singer only exacerbated his 'emotional' issues

BREAKING NEWS: It has been revealed this morning that quiz show presenter and, ‘brother of more a famous celebrity’ Paul Ross, was found dead in a hotel room in Las Vegas, Nevada USA on Saturday. He died of a suspected heart attack.

Ross was 58.

A post-mortem found there were signs of significant natural pathology but conclusions on the causes of death could not yet be drawn, although Deputy coroner Dr David Bexhill commented that the body maintained an exceptionally high level of purified sugar,

“It looks like the deceased literally stuffed himself to death”, noted Bexhill before adding, “He checked into the Luxor (hotel) on Thursday evening, by the time the body was discovered by the maid on Saturday morning the room had in excess of two thousand candy bar wrappers in it”.

Ross was a notorious ‘Twinkaholic’, a common addiction amongst failing celebrities for the American snack food, Twinkies. Twinkies are a cake-bar with two sugar buns filled with sugar cream. This is not to be confused with ‘Twinks’ an American slang term for a youthful homosexual man.

A Twink next to a Twinkie. Ross loved to 'eat' one of these.

Ross is rumoured to have imported up to five thousand Twinkies bars a month for the past three years.

His management team made a brief statement this morning stating that Ross had been battling depression and an eating disorder caused by his inability to move out of day time TV, in particular the most recent quiz show Ross was fronting, ITV’s lunchtime filler ‘Slap my monkey for cash,

“It was crippling for Ross”, said Jennifer March, Ross’s manager of five years, “he firmly believed he could do much better”, she said, before concluding, “but as everyone else knew, he certainly couldn’t”.

Ross comes from a family of TV personalities and presenters, which was first set up as an experiment in the 1950’s by the then Labour government, to genetically engineer working class and lower middle class people into mainstream entertainment.

A first early success for the team responsible was Ross’s uncle, Tommy Steele, the popular singer, mostly notable for the smash hit single, 'My little pink balls'.

However, it was his brother, chat show host and ‘lippy twat’, Keith Chegwin, who achieved the greatest success of the two brothers. It was a success that Ross could never accept, sources closes to Ross revealed today, with feelings of jealously and resentment dominating his daily life.

These feelings bubbled dramatically to the surface during a broadcast of Chegwin’s Friday evening chat show, in November last year. Whilst interviewing his brother, Chegwin asked Ross what the format was for his new daytime quiz show, Ross replied;

the ross boys
Ross (bearded)with bother Cheggers in 1981

“Who gives a fuck? It’s just some shit that only cripples, spacks, coffin dodgers and those lazy piss stained bastards who are just too idle or too thick to get a job and get them out the house, watch to fill their empty days”.

Ross said before adding, “Not like that parade of over paid no talent media whores you get here every week for you to fawn over like the pathetic insincere sycophantic bastard you are”.

Ross later apologised for any offence he had caused and blamed his outburst on ‘exhaustion’.

Ross’s closest friend Dr Harold Shipman, presenter of Radio 4’s Case Notes, had this to say about Ross,

“He was not the easiest person to get along with at times”, Shipman said, “his arrogance was only matched by his massive ego, the tragedy of course was that in terms of presenting TV he just wasn’t very good, and I think deep down he knew it.”

Shipman went on to say that Ross had an inability to engage with the contestants on the show’s he presented, “They typically came away thinking he was a complete and utter tit”, Shipman said.

Ross is survived by twenty-three half eaten Mars bars and his nine-year-old Collie, Superstar.

Gareth Gates signs up to die.

CEC Gates
Gates: First of the gang to die?

In an effort to minimise the damage done by last Friday’s historic finale to Death Row Big Bother, now officially the most successful and controversial extreme reality game show of all time, the BBC today announced the first contestant on its newest games show, Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge.

Speaking to reporters this morning at London’s largest record store, SLUTS, positioned prominently in Piccadilly Circus, the shows producer Lance Hewitt said,

“Gareth Gates is just one of ten reasons to watch this show”,

When asked what the other nine were, Hewitt responded in his now characteristic bluntness,

“The other contestants, you dozy tit”.

The BBC were keen to distance itself from last weeks rumours that the intend contestant list for CEC was less than stellar, with former 80’s game show host Jimmy Harris setting the benchmark for the talent the show would attract.

With the unveiling of Gates (17) as the first of ten celebrities who will risk death for an opportunity to be once again in the spot light, it initially appears that the BBC may have a DRBB killer up it’s sleeve after all.

The next two weeks is likely to see a tit-for-tat campaign of ‘shock’ advertisement by both Abortion Tickles, the brains behind DRBB and Mutilated Child, the producers of CEC, as they attempt to get the most ‘viewer recognition’ and ‘must see appeal’, in this crucial period.

As always it fell to Hewitt to have the last word at today’s press conference, when asked if his show could possibly see off Death Row Big Brother, Hewitt simply said.

“You fuckin’ knows it!”

The first Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge is due to air on BBC One at 8.00pm Friday 5th March, with Death Row Big Brother 2 scheduled to appear on Channel 4 just one week later.

For more articles regarding;

Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge

Sunday, February 27, 2005

The Joey Deacon festival 2008 sells out in record time!

NME Joey Deacon Cover
News for our youth - it's been done before!

Deak Fest ’08 has sold out in record time. Tickets for the 28th annual music festival centred on former stephacockaliticus sufferer Joseph ‘Joey’ Deacon went on sale at 9.00am this morning. By 11.31am all 112,000 tickets had gone.

Joey Deacon started The Deacon Festival of Song and Dance following his dramatic rise in the public conscience in the summer of 1979.

Numerous appearances on the BBC’s flagship ‘adult orientated’ Drugs and Sex expose documentary series ‘Blue Peter’, presented by the teenage part-time prostitute and very pregnant, Janet Ellis, saw Deacon as a narcotics ‘razzed’ former rock star that shook constantly and involuntarily and found simple communication extremely difficult.

It was revealed during the series finale that Joey, as the public affectionately knew him, was actually a sufferer of the virulent brain and gum condition stephacockaliticus, which accounted for his shakes and frequent ‘expletive laden’ outbursts.

Following Blue Peter, Deacon pledged to return to the live stage, and this he did to spac-tacular effect on August 21st 1979.

The Deacon Festival of Song and Dance soon attracted the very best talent from around the world and by 1985, it was attracting upwards of 20 million viewers through the BBC.

Now less formally known as ‘Deak Fest', Joey Deacon is still a major part of the annual event.

Speaking today at a press conference he said that he would continue to hold the event as long as his health held out adding;

“Uerrr uerr uer ueu ueruerrr uerr uerrr uerr uerrrrr”.

For those lucky enough to snap up the tickets this morning, Deac Fest 2008 takes place August 21-23 and is expected to feature alongside Deacon, The Zimmer Frames, Prescription Order, Paedo on a Pedestal, Oldplay, The Cunts and Kylie Minogue.

Five confirm Celebrity Outing: LIVE

It is the news that the celebrity world has been dreading, Channel 5 confirmed today that Celebrity Outing: Live would be going ahead and airing as soon as March this year.

Celebrity Outing Live is the brainchild of notorious TV Producer Joanna P McCready and her production team Crimson Tide; the masterminds behind last years break out hit Child Swap.

Child Swap 3
Channel 5 raises it's profile with more documentaries

Parenting Groups universally condemned Child Swap across the UK. The Campaign for Children in Cotton Wool, or CCCW, stated on their website that Child Swap,

“Maintained the pretense of social experiment and education for the sake of lowest common denominator entertainment”,

The group found the ‘defamatory language’ used by show narrator Martin Clunes to be the most offensive aspect of the show. “Clunes seems to spit out the words ‘pikey’ and ‘chav’ as he describes the children from the less privileged background” the CCCW note.

Child Swap ran throughout autumn last year and featured both middle-class and work-class couples who freely exchanged their 4-year-old children with each other for a period of 12 months. During this time, a TV crew followed both families as they adapt to their new parents and new children.

McCready was on hand this morning to answer questions about Five’s new high profile celebrity themed show at a press conference held at a 5-star hotel in central London.

The first question came from a reporter who asked MrCready to explain how her previous show was educational.

“Obviously Child Swap showed us conclusively that it is easier and more socially rewarding to take a child from a poor family and integrate it into a better off family. It was demonstrated that society is still very split in terms of class”,

The same reporter challenged McCready by suggesting that everybody already knew this and all McCready was in fact doing was lighting fires and then standing back to film it.

At this pointed, the reporter, who turned out to be from Radio Times, was ejected from the conference by security guards.

After a few moments, McCready took another question regarding the format of the show,

“Crimson Tide are fully aware that Celebrity Outing: Live is potentially a more risky proposition than Child Swap. We deliberately set out to expose both gay celebrities purporting to be heterosexual, and heterosexuals who purport to be gay”

When asked if this a particularly common practice in the world of celebrities, McCready cryptically answered, “You have no idea”.

Asked if she were concerned by the inevitably backlash, such a show would cause. McCready said;

"I don't really care what the celebrities think about this. I am not doing it for them. This is for non-celebrities, the little people who tune in and are constantly tricked into believe they are Politically Correct or right-on because they laugh with people like Graham Norton and Dale Winton who they wrongly believe are gay”

McCready said, before adding, "Which we know they are most definitely not"

To which a reporter for the Daily Mail shouted out, “And now so do we”. At this, the amassed crowd of Journalist began to laugh.

pair of gits
Declan Donnelly is one of these fools

Declan Donnelly, one half of popular presenting duo ‘Anthony and Declan’, who is also chairman of the TV Personality League, certainly is not laughing. During an interview, this afternoon he had this to say about Five’s proposed new show,

"If that bitch (McCready) goes ahead with this sh*te", Donnelly said, "It'll f**k up the lives of a great many of the people you see everyday on TV. Not just the big hitters like Tone, and me. I’m talking about the guys in the pub at the Rovers or Queen Vic. The tarts doing the weather and yes, even the classics of TV like Whitely, Edmonds and Tarrant".

Donnelly explained before quickly noting, "Not that I am saying Whitely, Edmonds or Tarrant are poofters of course".

The TV Personality League was set up four years ago. It was specifically designed to safeguard the interests of 'legitimate' TV personalities. Donnelly explained that TV personalities are those who regularly appear on television, as opposed to what Donnelly describes as,

"All those council house born, no-talents gurning monkeys from those horrific reality TV shows, that would sell their kidneys to get a toe on telly for a second".

The incident which led to the formation of TVPL, involved Bruce Forsyth, presenter of ITV's ‘Show them your cards’, being shown his cards and sacked from the popular family game show. The following week Kitten, the militant gay activist from Big Brother 11, replaced Forsyth.

"That lezzer only got the job because she was cheap,” Donnelly declared, “And because all the hairless chimps knew who she was”

‘Hairless chimps’ as Donnelly later revealed, is a technical term for the demographic most attracted to reality TV shows.

Dr Johnson Merryweather, Head of Media studies, Toxteth Sixth Form College, Merseyside, said that the reason the majority of celebrities were in fear that their true sexual orientation would become known, was not because they believe the British public is inherently homophobic, it was rather that the British just like to know who their straights are and who their gays are.

“And they really hate to be bullshitted”, Merryweather added.

Merryweather referenced popular children’s entertainer Lilly Savage who appeared throughout the 90's on our television as Paul O'Grady. "It just confused the public",

Merryweather said "One minute she's a gay straight man, the next he’s a straight transvestite gay. They need it kept simple to keep watching"

Merryweather suggested that Julian Clary was the perfect role model for gaining affection amongst the television viewers,

"He was bender, he said he was a bender and everyone knew where they were and they loved him for it", when asked what he meant by 'bender' Merryweather become embarrassed and explained that he meant to say 'homosexual' and apologised for any offence caused.

In fact it’s testament to Merryweather’s theory that when in 1998 Clary publicly stated he had been ‘fisting’ the then chancellor, his comments were met with affection and understanding. If on the other hand a heterosexual entertainer had made the same comment, there would certainly have been a media outcry. Such is the precarious nature of sharing your sexuality with the nation.

Out come in big guns for the ratings war

There’s no question that Celebrity Outing: LIVE is almost certainly going to be a ratings giant, mixing as it does the winning elements of celebrity, sex, scandal and as McCready described at today’s press conference, “A game show element all the family can get involved in”.

Whether the government will choose to step in remains to be seen, but with questions in the house being raised regarding Britain’s rapidly declining Celebrity numbers, it can only surely be a question of time.

Celebrity Outing: LIVE is due to air mid March. Child Swap is out to own on DVD from Monday.